My Grudge Against "Ju-On : The Grudge"

It must be me or something, but what in the world is Sam Raimi getting himself involved in a movie like "Ju-On : The Grudge"?

Don't get me wrong. On a scale of 10, this movie still fares quite good. (Let's just say I'll give it a 6.5). But the sad bits about this movie were such as having to resort to using cheap shocks to scare the socks (hey that rhymes!) off the audience (I'm totally against these things), rehashed "haunted-houses" storyline, and the ever cliched' scary ghosts.

As usual just as I did with "Return Of The Jedi King", this Blog entry will be one heck of a darn long read, with a chance to ask questions, cinema idiots listed once again plus a bonus section thrown in this time - "JDream's Rules Of How To Survive In Horror Movies."

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CINEMA IDIOT SPOTTING
The whole affair started out innocently enough. Most of the seats in Sunway Pyramid were empty, thus reducing the chances of some inane, loud-mouthed auntie sitting next to me while she makes my life miserable with all her rantings and ravings concerning the movie.

However, things took a different turn yesterday; instead of inane, loud-mouthed aunties who tried to steal the limelight, it was a bunch of fully immature, half-mad, zero-brained college kids who took the centre stage. How, you ask? Answer : By screaming their sissy asses off with every little thing in Ju-On.

Oh my God I tell you. You would've found more peace in Iraq than last 5 minutes with those darn kids around you. [ Spoilers here : Viewer discretion is damn advised ] They screamed when the professor jumps down from his apartment floor, they screamed when the dark shadow of the woman-ghost appears, they screamed when the black cat jumps around like mad, they screamed when a pale, grey hand appears on screen, heck, they even screamed when the ghastly fingers suddenly appeared on Michelle-Gellar's blond hairs.

So you can imagine what a screaming competition inside Cinema 4 was. How I wished at that time the REAL Ju-On would just suddenly appear and take them all to her dark domain. Now that'll really be scary. Probably the whole audience'll give that Ju-On fella a standing ovation.

The girls were poor sissy sods, who can't even take in a bit of scaring without even wetting their pants. The guys were also quite the same; what's the use of having a body bigger than the Hulk when a simple little "scary face appears on screen" can make you all scream and start begging for your mummies?

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JDREAM'S SURVIVAL GUIDE TO HORROR MOVIES

• Never Be Alone : This has been shown over and over again in all horror movies, yet the (potential) victims never take a cue from them and they never learn. Whenever a strange sound is heard, they all love to open the doors or whatever that the noise is coming from behind and investigate, only to meet a bloody end.


• Do Not Investigate Alone : Related to the above, but is only necessary if the victim (also known otherwise as "fool") decides to play smarty-pants and go investigate alone. If the victim is smart, he or she will decide to run away from that place as fast as his or her ass, I mean legs can carry him / her. If you want to investigate, make sure you have the entire army following close behind you ready with assault rifles, night-vision goggles and Apache helicopters circling outside the house. This not only gives you human support and assurance, but at least if you DO die, someone's there to drag your half-chewed body out of that place.


• Don't Stay In Your Office Too Late : A very good reason to give to your boss why everyone shouldn't stay too late whenever he brings up the issue of you leaving for home early most of the time from office. Tell him that Ju-On loves to have overtime workers for its supper and that your boss' big fat ass is just the perfect meal on its menu for tonight.


• Be Well-Armed : Nothing is more important in all horror movies than being adequately armed to the toenail (apart from having enough brains). Since you are going to investigate anyway, please do make sure that at least you arm yourself with your dad's chainsaw or your great-granddaddy's prehistoric shotgun or even a nuclear warhead strapped to your body. Do whatever it takes to ensure that if Ju-On decides to taste your armpits, you have a powerful weapon at your disposal. Of course, it helps to actually HAVE ammo at hand. Having only the gun but no ammo is akin to having a Ferrari but no petrol inside the tank. However...


• Do Not Pick A Puny Weapon : Having a weapon is fine, but NOT if the weapon you have in hand is a measly plastic knife easily available from fast-food joints and expect to slice Ju-On in one clean cut. You might as well venture into the house with only a piece of A4 paper and hope Ju-On dies from all those papercuts you're gonna inflict on it.


• Always Stick Near The Lead Actors : If you've noticed, in the movies, the people who tend to stick close to the hero / heroine has a smaller chance of ending up on Ju-On's dinner plate, and increasing the likeliness of more glamourhood and lines to say. Of course, if you're one of the most important people in the film, you can just go anywhere at anytime without worrying about the ghost. You can even be unarmed 99% of the time and yet Ju-On will never get her chance to break even one of your fingernails. Ditto.


• Do Not Run Into Confined Spaces : I've seen many a times the impending victims trapped in claustrophobic areas run away unscathed on their first encounter with Ju-On, but then after that, instead of getting their asses to the main road, they run back to the deep, confined spaces of their house and lock themselves in with no weapon whatsoever. Real smart. This kind of behaviour warrants the "Stupidest Ass Of The Year" medal award. Hello? These are ghosts we're talking about here. How on Earth did u think that by plugging your house's toilet hole you are assured that they can't get in at any cost?



• If You See Dead People, Run! : Gee whiz, more people should prescribe glasses or something like that, but if you see a person walking exactly like how a reanimated dead body should be, isn't that a sign that tells you to get the hell out of that place immediately? Kindly refrain from calling the dead person's name. Sorry to say this but they're not interested on going out on dates with you anymore. Rather, they'll be more interested in finding out how your armpits taste like. For those already with glasses, get thicker ones...



• Before Peeking Inside, Throw In A Grenade : Make this a habit everytime before you open a door and peek in and before long, Ju-On will be considering changing her name to "Ju-On : The Grudge Against Everyone Except For Mr. Grenadier". It doesn't matter if a black cat or an old lady is on the other receiving end of the sliding door, just toss in a HE grenade, run for cover and grit your teeth as the grenade explodes in a sickening cacophony of fragmenting metal, crunching bones and bursting flesh. Of course, if you discover that it was an innocent little sod on the other side, you can always console yourself by telling yourself that it's always better to be them than you getting killed. And lastly...



• If All Else Fails, Call In An Airstrike : To save production costs and audience viewing time, upon learning that you are in a horror movie and you discover that you are not one of the main characters, reach out immediately for the phone and call the army to deliver its biggest, meanest air-to-surface bomb parcel for Ju-On. Nevermind that the neighbours are going to get killed by the cluster bombs exploding all over. In horror movies, there is no such thing as "Love Thy Neighbour"; instead, you better eliminate them lest they turn out to be Ju-Ons 2, 3 and 4.

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And now to everybody's favourite part (mine included since I can hurl the insults like nobody's business) :P

WHY DIDN'T IT HAPPEN THIS WAY? Q'S AND A'S ABOUT JU-ON

Q: Why didn't they all just assembled themselves together in a group and proceeded to the house, armed with sticks and beat the tobacco juice out of Ju-On and that irritating boy Toshio?

A: Well, consider this fact: if in the early 5 minutes of the show Ju-On is already half-dead, and by the next 5 minutes experienced her second death (talk about irony), the whole cinema'll be set ablaze by angry viewers who will go on a rampage and demand for a refund. All the rage concentrated inside the cinema will remain there and thus will turn Cinema 4 into a cursed place just like the house in Ju-On.

Q: Why didn't anyone summoned Ultraman or Godzilla to destroy the house by stomping on it? Nobody would have needed to die then.

A: Well, you have a point there. Japan has a wealth of superheroes like Super Kamen Masked Rider, Ultraman, Godzilla and the likes, and it's strange to see that during times of crisis not even a decent superhero comes to save them. If Ultraman were to just cross his arms and direct his death rays towards the offending house, you can bet that the movie will be over in 10 minutes and another rampage will take place outside Cinema 4.

Q: Why do people in horror movies all tend to be alone rather than stick together? Isn't being alone the primary formula for so many unfortunate sod's downfall?

A: Try explaining that to the scriptwriter and producer and see if you can talk enough sense into their thick skulls. Well, the best explanation I can give to you is that in all horror movies, being alone is a must, so that the ghost can have a field day picking off the poor souls one by one without much effort. Pronto.

Q: Say, isn't Sarah Michelle-Gellar "Buffy, The Vampire Slayer"? How come she looks so helpless all of a sudden? Where's her kick-ass actions?

A: Sarah isn't Buffy here; she plays Karen, a normal welfare officer. She does not have any of her magical "vampire-busting" powers here as opposed to the TV series. How did you even manage to buy tickets to this movie without realising it is "Ju-On : The Grudge"? Why? Do you have sexual fantasies with her? You sick bastard.

Q: I'm terrified of Ju-On until I dare not go home or even venture to the second floor upstairs to my bedroom. Images of her appearing from below the bedsheets or next to the closet door keep flashing in my head until now. What can I do?

A: You've been watching too many scary movies. There are no such things as ghosts or whatsoever supernatural undead. Take these pills, go home and take a rest. And oh, remember not to investigate some strange noise emitting from the attic above, bumping along with an eerie creep until it comes to a stop behind the closet door just right next to your bed. Don't worry, nothing fearful, rotting and murderous is hiding behind there, waiting to taste your armpits as you sleep at night...

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Epilogue

After the movie ended, I was dumbstruck for the second time (I was already struck dumb that Sunday by Ju-On at KLCC). Half of my brain was still assessing the damage done by Ju-On, while the remaining half was still wondering what the heck just happened in the last one and the half hours.

Still, it was quite OK for a ghostly supernatural movie, and as I pissed in the men's room, an eerie creep suddenly emitted, starting first from the ceiling above me, subsequently making its way to the cubicle just next to me, where it halted to a stop, and for a moment there, I thought I saw long, female hair and pale, rotting hands extending towards me...