An Interview With The Datuk

Koala Lumpy: It is official; the price of petrol and diesel has gone up once more, and for the first time ever in Malaysian history it is raised a shocking staggering 30 cents per litre. This means that for owners whose cars run on RON 97 (which is almost 99.9% of the automobiles on Malaysian roads) they will have to pay MYR1.92 per litre starting from today onwards. Madness, indeed.

We at the Moon Newspaper had the chance to interview Datuk at his residence yesterday itself. During the 2-hour long interview, many questions were posed to him as we believe that most of the rakyat are still in the dark even as of press time.

"Now Datuk, perhaps we can start with the explanation on why a 30-cents increase this time? It will most certainly burden the average wage-earner, taking into consideration assuming that he has a 1.5-litre car, a double-storey terrace house and old parents to support, not yet accounting for the food and definitely the petrol. Of course it is clear that if he is married with children the amount of money that has to be spent will be even more significant."

"Oh that. Well you see, But do remember, I have always used this excuse everytime we see a price hike in petrol, and I will say it again - the price of petrol here is cheaper compared to other countries like Singapore, Thailand, etc. We should be grateful for that. Since the government has subsidised so much for the past half a year, it is only understandable that sooner or later the rise in petrol prices is inevitable. But I promise, no more petrol price hikes for this year... but come 2007 I dare not comment-lah."

"Yes we agree Datuk. Petrol here IS cheaper than other countries, but salary-wise in comparison with the rest of the countries stated perhaps we could suggest that almost all of us are trapped in a situation whereby our wages do not increase in proportion with the rising cost of day-to-day living? People in Singapore easily out-earn us; getting a salary equivalent to MYR1,200 per month for a normal private sector executive is a laughing bar joke."

"Ah yes that, but you see, the money from all this will be channeled into upgrading the public transportation system. In the long run, this will be a benefit for all of the rakyat. Isn't this a very good win-win situation? How can you compare salaries with our neighbour? We should never make any comparisons, else we would never be happy. No no."

"Upgrades? What upgrades Datuk, if we may inquire? Most of the citizens still take smelly, dirty buses, and you can hardly feel the air-conditioning in them, which leaves passengers sweating and gasping for air. According to a poll, the situation offered by KTM isn't much of a good bargain as well, with trains running late periodically. What are your views on that, Datuk?"

"I knew sooner or later this question would pop up. Well, as you can see we are conducting a hi-tech project to come out with a new top-secret addition to our already-existing public transportation system. We are working with top local scientists to produce something that looks like a cross between a public bus and a common LRT train. We call it "The Hover-LBT" or "Hover-Light Bus Transporter". As you can see from this artist's concept impression, it has the front look of an LRT, the wings of an F-14 Tomcat, and the inside design of a normal bus for maximum capacity seating. The tyres have been done away with and in place are six powerful Pegasus hover-turbine engines; the same ones used in the Hawker-Siddely Harrier fighter jet."

"We see. But Datuk, we are an oil-producing nation, so why are we still paying more? What about Petronas? According to one local blog, many common people wished that the government ministers would come and take the public transport with them, Datuk, just so they can experience for themselves how it's like. Also, why the hush-hush cover ups and not informing the rakyat 2-3 days ahead so that they can brace themselves for this day of reckoning?"

"I thought Malaysians love surprises? That was the reason why we planned such a great and complex surprise for the rakyat jelata in the first place. We thought that announcing it the same old boring way would get pretty dull soon. Ever since we gave you guys that big surprise, this issue's all over the newspapers everyday, and it's rampant in public especially at mamaks and coffeeshops, and even on the streets! Don't they like this lovely surprise? Hmm, oh well I suppose not. In response to your earlier two questions, well, we don't really want to bother Petronas for their money you see; it's quite a hassle. So we've decided it's best to leave things as it is. And erm, we ministers would rather not jostle with the crowd. Not because we don't want to, you see, but it's that we'd rather let you beloved people of the public gain access to them. It's a sacrifice, and we're proud to do it."

"Ah, such noble gestures indeed. What about the plans that was supposedly to drape the pyramid of Giza in Egypt last year and that the whole thing allegedly cost RM200,000 to execute? Would it not be better if the money were to be used for further subsidies for oil?"

"Hmm that would be best explained as a way to show off, I mean err, build better relationships with the Egyptians. The price of friendship is worth the RM200,000. In fact, I can safely say that the fostered ties will run deeper than any RM200,000. So let's leave this issue here as it is. It is also considered to be money well spent if it were accomplished."

"Oh by the way Datuk, before we go, is there any chance of us getting a raise in our salaries? It's awfully hard to live on such meagre wages nowadays. A small five to six percent increase would be appreciated."

"Err, that you have to ask your respective boss and employers, why ask me-lah? I'm not the boss of you also. Well anyway, thank you for your time, goodbye." And thus ended our interview.

We also interviewed three average citizens on the street for their opinions regarding this latest price hike. Below are their comments :-

Ah Kow, 23, Student - Wah lau eh, so fast come up again ah the petrol hike? Now 30 cents some more. Getting by on a student's monthly budget is hard enough, now have to sideline an additional amount just for this. They say that death and taxes are the only sure things in life, but in Malaysia, this goes two steps further - petrol hikes and non-increase in salaries are also a sure thing for us. Malaysia Boleh!

Ali, 27, Manager - Alamak, baru naik gaji RM20 dah naik lagi harga minyak? This is not fair, I believe, for all of us. How to watch movies in cinema anymore? I don't think we can even support the DVD pirates in these hard times; instead we'll have to rely on Bittorrent. We earn a pittance, and furthermore this theory really defies Newton's Law of Gravity, in which things that go up never come down. Newton must be really spinning, not turning, in his grave right now.

Muthu, 38, Restaurant Owner - Dei macha, this time around the price hike really hit us hard-la. We cannot afford to absorb those overhead costs anymore; the price of supplies, electricity and water bills, protection money to keep the thugs away, then I heard TNB is going to raise costs as well. It's a really bad time to raise tariffs. I think I might invest in a few night-vision goggles and give one each to my employees. This way, we can save costs as well as looking like those dashing Bollywood hunks! Want a plate of mee goreng by the way? It's quite cheap, only three ringgit.

It is obviously clear that a lot of Malaysians are against this sudden unexpected raise. What confused and angered them more was the fact that the government did not give an early notice to the common folk regarding this issue. The assurance that this was the only hike for the whole year brought little consolation to many.

Therefore, it is advisable that in harsh times like this, it is only wise to spend cautiously. We at the Moon Newspaper would like to advise those who are thinking of getting new cars to hold on for the moment until further news about raises in salaries are announced. Hopefully, but not likely. You stand a higher chance at having a cuppa tea session with the Malaysian Bigfoot.-SNN