Enter The JDream MX: U2: Mysterious Murder In BonoVille

Something from my secondary-school blogging days.

My name is Detective Anderson, attached to the homicide department. And when I mean homicide, I mean weird things. All kinds of weird things. Murders and suicides. Some too gross to describe, others too disturbing for me until this very day. But above all, nothing compares to the weirdest case I happened to investigate some months back...

It all started when a mysterious murder took place in BonoVille. A singer by the name of Jimmy was apparently murdered by an iron thrown from an apartment which struck his head. Local police suspected foul play and immediately called for me to investigate the culprit behind the murder. I was paired off with another F.B.I. agent whose behaviour could change from serious to childish.

Our first stop was in MIAMI, but obviously there was no one suspected of homicide. After walking aimlessly for a while, we came to a place WHERE THE STREETS HAVE NO NAME. It was hard to ask for directions for the people there simply had no idea what we were asking. We walked further and saw a girl on the street. She was obviously attracted to my looks and flung herself at me. "HOLD ME, THRILL ME, KISS ME, KILL ME!" was all she said.

Convinced that she was insane, I released myself from her bonds. "DO YOU FEEL LOVED?" was the next thing she asked. "No" was my answer and she quickly asked me what she wear would make her more attractive. So truthfully, I answered, "IF YOU WEAR THAT VELVET DRESS" and pointed at that specific dress in the shop nearby. She went wild with delight and told us two to wait outside the shop while she went in and bought the dress. Taking advantage while she was inside, we hurriedly left and when she came out, we were both GONE.

The second stop was at the PLAYBOY MANSION owned by a millionaire named MOFO. We suspected he killed Jimmy out of rivalry but he denied everything. However, I continued to rain him with questions and I could see that he was getting genuinely afraid. At that time, my partner started singing sappy love songs. "PLEASE stop it!" I snarled.

It was then that MOFO decided to make a clean break for it. "Let's get DISCOTHEQUE!" I said to my partner and we chased after MOFO. While we were running, I noticed strangely that my partner kept on STARING AT THE SUN. After a brief chase, we caught up with him. It was then that MOFO and I got mistakenly handcuffed by my partner. I was furious but this time I spoke to him in a nice manner. "Ed, I know I can't solve this case WITH OR WITHOUT YOU, but PLEASE stop being so childish!" MOFO kept insisting he was innocent but we handcuffed and shoved him into the back of the car anyway. It has never occured to me that I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR - a wife, no thanks to my bad temper. Earlier, I told my partner to shut his mouth again when he told me to BULLET THE BLUE SKY.

It was nearly TWILIGHT when we reached BonoVille to hand over the suspect to the law. A mass gathering was held in honor of the dead singer. The police decided to let MOFO take a last look at Jimmy's face before he was led to the execution ground. Still shouting, MOFO was dragged to Jimmy's coffin and without warning, MOFO cried out "WAKE UP DEAD MAN!". An officer there said, "IN THE NAME OF LOVE for God, shut up!!" before hitting his bald head. From the looks of it, it was certainly MOFO's LAST NIGHT ON EARTH. "IF GOD WILL SEND HIS ANGELS", I murmured softly to myself.

But what happened next took everyone by complete surprise; Jimmy stood up in his coffin and began singing one of his love songs. This scene was too much for most of them to stomach and many died of heart attack. It seems that the doctors made a mistake while checking for his pulses.

So the case was closed and MOFO declared innocent of homicide. As for me, I was lucky MOFO did not file a lawsuit against me and all in all, these weren't THE SWEETEST THINGS...

*In case you haven't figured out yet, words that are in UPPERCASE RED denote the title of U2's songs. Go figure.

Trivia

Paragraph 1 didn't exist in the book; it was written specifically for this post to give the narrating character a more subtle introduction.

When the stupid printers got my story published in the magazine, they somehow decided to change "U2" into "US" probably because they never heard of Bono & gang or the printer guys were just plain stupid.

Bono is the lead singer for U2, hence the term "BonoVille"

The first three lines of Paragraph 6 (until Line 3) was originally left out by the stupid printer guys. It made its way into this 6th anniversary blog commemoration here.

This story was inspired by an earlier article whereby the author used all the names of cigarette brands to create a wonderfully, humorous story. The rest is history.

The names Jimmy and Ed do not refer to anyone in real-life when I wrote this.

No one so far has been smart enough to approach me and exclaim to me that they realised all this while the uppercase red words are actually famous U2 songs.