Chronicles Of An Office Monster

It's been the second week since I've started working in my new working office environment so let me give you a full honest account of the major happenings around there - I love my job but the lady boss is a real slavedriver. I've scribbled a list depicting all the weird distasteful things that has been somehow managed to be inflict upon my working life so far by The Dragon Lady.

PERSONAL ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS OF THE DRAGON LADY

She set the new record for Foul Mouth-lympics

I have this nagging feeling that she somehow contracted a kind of weird disease during young that provokes her to spew profanities 24/7. How else can you explain the fact that those four-letter words that accompanies most of her speeches makes up her main daily language? Picture this: she spews profanities during the morning meetings, she repeats them over the phone (for no good reason), she threatens us with them during compulsory Saturday meetings, and whenever she feels like it. I mean, fine if you want to say them to yourself. It's none of my business what you tell yourself during your own free time. But it concerns me very much when you utter "shit" to me over the phone when you want to ask me to do some graphic art. Not professional. And what's with the constant act of trying to look super-cool during meetings by peppering your sentences with those f-words constantly?

She won the Gold Medal for being Uber Suspicious

Believe me when I tell you every square inch of the office space is littered full of CCTVs (go hang yourself if you don't know what the acronym stands for). Security is one thing, but I feel she's taking that Better To Be Safe Than Sorry act a tad bit too far. There's practically not a safe place for you anywhere in the office to get a breather. The very presence of the evil-looking tinted dome ceiling cameras itself strikes terror into the hearts of each employee. For those who love to pick at their noses often, this will mean very bad news to them as the camera is forever observing silently. I don't know about you but being distrustful of your employees and fixing those surveillance cameras all over the place will only result in churning out fearful workers paranoid of every move they make and giving them undeserved stress of knowing they are being watched everyday everywhere.

She graduated from the school of Pissing People Off

The longest-running employee record goes to a poor sod of 3 years slugging her life in the office. She basically acts as Dragon Lady's personal secretary, which is a bad thing since she's in the utmost front line of getting the brunt of her profanity attacks. Daily. Without fail. I found out, unsurprisingly, that 90% of the staff there were quite recent, on an average of 3-4 months. It doesn't make me bat an eyelid. The poor sales sods (two young executive girls, and quite pretty ones too) were only in this whole mess for about less than two months, but already on the verge of suffering from a nervous breakdown. I'm being honest here. No employee should ever be subjected to such mental torture by such incredulous individuals who think they're right and the world is wrong. I'm only in for such a short span of time but I'm already thinking up a million ways to strangle her whenever she pisses me off.

She received a Nobel Prize for discovering a New Level of Rudeness

A typical office meeting with her in it can cause even the toughest army commando guy to break down and go soft. She'd just boss her way around and act all high and mighty with a no-holds-barred attitude towards anyone who is not related to her (she has another two younger brothers working in the same office, one who is a sales person. That being so, everyone is smart enough to keep their mouths shut whenever both of them is present). The rudeness can be best explained through a series of examples - you're explaining to her regarding a particular job when she just cuts you off, stops listening to whatever you're trying to say and instead throws the paper at you and tells you to do it her way. I hate people throwing stuffs to me because it denotes disrecpectfulness. The second thing is just how she cuts into people's explanation halfway without thinking twice how mighty damn rude it was.

She won an Emmy Award for acting in "Super Bossy Nobody"

Once, she told me straight in the eye that I need to intercom her before I went up to see her. Sure, she's always so bossy and busy to the point that she does not have any time for us "office scums". I just smiled at her while telling myself over and over, "Yes, your Royal Ultimate Highness". What a bitch! Can somebody please tell me if any of our Chinese Medical halls or local bomohs stock those traditional powder-like form of concoctions that will make a human being lose their voice, grow slightly retarded and probably put on a few pounds. If you know any of these things, do give me a ring. I'll be more than happy to silence her once and for all eternity.

She raised the bar in standards for Ugly Body Tan

And Good Lord, what an ugly tan she has! She looks literally like a cross between a burnt sandwich and an over-roasted chicken. Such disturbing sights should be by right kept hidden away from the public eye, wrapped under countless layers of clothes. But instead she's basically flaunting it for everyone to see in the skimpiest blouses with the skinniest of straps. Don't even get me started on her choice of clothes and the color-matching disasters. Maybe that would explain the countless puddles of puke I see flooding the toilet bowls each time I pay a visit to the loo. (I take special anti-horrible ugly hag pills to combat the daily nausea, so I'm much or less immune).

She made the Mafia proud with her excellent Exploitation Tactics

To my understanding, the above fore mentioned personal secretary of the Dragon Lady has been undergoing 1001 Torture Lessons for three years. Period. Now as we all know it, in life and particularly when it comes to office life, the simple rule of thumb is that when your employer (in this case, Godzilla) starts giving you hell, you do the next best thing - throw in your resignation letter and tell him or her to kiss your ass goodbye. To cut a long explanation short, I did wonder why despite the countless verbal abuses shoved down her throat, never did she (Ms. Personal Secretary) once threatened to quit. Apparently, she borrowed this huge lump sum of money to finance her car, and in doing so, she was bound by some sort of unholy contract between her and her immediate Godzilla lady boss, that is, probably by slaving her ass until all the debts have been repaid. So in the time being, Ms. Gojira-san has her days full as she toys around with her secretary in any way she wishes, sometimes to the brink of suicide and manic depression. I won't rule the possibility of the two out. Al Capone would have been definitely pleased to have her as his daughter.

She has a black belt in Bad Social Etiquette

She just can't seem to have a simple "How is your work progress" conversation diplomatically. Every waking hour of her life (save except when she's meeting some high-standing Datuk or Tan Sri) is used to scream, yell and threaten of rolling heads with most of her employees. I still cannot fully comprehend until today why she just cannot be nice, smile and treat us to ice-cream once in a while. She's another of the type of employers who think that scolding the heck out of people equals good motivation in work. She should marry my fore-blogged Company Boss from Hell, since they're both such sweet darlings when it comes to screaming at their workers. And did I even mention about her horrible degrading tactics? The idiocy she spills out everytime about how smart people like her keep on asking questions to widen their knowledge base while the rest of us (so-called) stupid idiots keep our mouths shut. 2 arguments to this - Argument #1: When I or someone else keeps on asking her questions just to be more specific in our work and eliminate the chances of making mistakes, she blows her top instantly. Argument #2: When she asks people questions, most of them enlighten her in a spirit of goodwill, never screaming at her. Therefore, the root of this whole thing is why should we ask you when we know you'll get irritated somehow or the other? Idiotic irony isn't it?

She received her Honors in Sarcasm Studies

Sarcasm is to her what petrol is to a car - they're crucial and one party cannnot function without the other in it. All of her remarks are full of it, and there isn't a single conversation with her that does not contain any. It's depressing after awhile, listening to Gojira blaring her monotonous voice over and over every single day (except Sunday). It grows unbearable after the first few weeks, in which probably many who couldn't stomach the cruelty of her words have probably committed suicide by repeatedly trying to drown themselves in their coffee mugs. Maybe she's made some poor sod drink Paraquet and I won't even know it yet. Man this sucks.

She discovered the secret formula to Quickness In Every Crap Thing

It's always the same old thing - I want this fast, I want that now - without realising that a normal human can just do so much within a given specific amount of time. Late a few seconds to put the JPEG file into her network shared folder after she's put down the phone and you're looking at your own funeral being arranged in advance, mi amigo. Unfortunately, the reason and logic part is somewhat missing from her brain structure as I see her screaming over the Intercom towards any employee unfortunate enough not to accomplish the above task within a hundreth of a milisecond after she hangs up the phone.

She was awarded Most Insane Office Rules 2005 & Beyond

Every single rule and management style in the office is splashed with Communist Red. Just within the first week of employment I have been hearing about the most inane and ridiculous rules ever been uttered by any "so-called" self-respecting, all-knowing, 100%-right employer. It's not so much so rules that make sense like "No MSN chatting during office hours", but rather like "I demand every single one of you low-life organisms to reach me via the Intercom before you come knocking on my glass door". She just hates that. I have no idea why. Part of my brain reasons that she's doing this on purpose to elevate herself into some sort of "high and mighty" level caste. The other part tells me she's an idiot. And as the meetings droned on, I sensed some rules were just made up along the way to protect herself while alienating the rest. A good example would be an incident just days ago when one of the female sales personnel, unhappy with a certain supplier for not keeping to his critical promise, phoned him and taught him the meaning of Hell. Fine. Problem was, the same supplier was a good friend of Ms. Mafioso. Although in the right, the saleslady got an earful of four-lettered words with the excuse being all sales personnel had no right whatsoever to come into direct contact with any supplier. Thus, a new inane rule was made whenever she saw fit. As simple as that. But here's the real kicker - Even though all sales personnel are forbidden to come into any direct contact with the supplier, the only person exempted is... surprise surprise, Ms. Mafioso's own brother, who is also a sales person. Lovely rule, ain't it?

She was voted Number One in Making The Most Adversaries

Trust me; it's only because she has such power in her own family-run business that everyone is constantly pretending NOT to be pissed off with her (and her sleeping partner who happens to be the CEO. Literally sleeping partner since they're both living together unmarried and sharing the same bed at night. An unholy union if you ask me). But in reality, I can safely assure you all that once (and if) her empire were to crumble suddenly without anything left, a lot of them will be reaching for the nearest chainsaws and pitchforks and proceed to bestow upon the two a million times of death, with Dragon Lady's personal assistant leading the pack in jungle fatigues and army boots, toting a big-ass machinegun.

EPILOGUE
Yeah the environment's as depressing as those post-apocalyptic worlds of Mad Max or the Matrix, but perhaps getting hooked up to a machine or fighting in any battlefields crawling with Krauts isn't so bad.