The Mystery Of Vertical-Scrolling Games

I'm sure many of you born during the 80s have fond memories of playing the Micro Genius home entertainment system - one of the earliest home-based console systems. The games are usually in catridge format and some boast of games up to 1001 in a single package.

One of the games I've spent quite a lot of time in are the vertical-scrolling ones. And over the years of playing them, I noticed something strange and repetitive about these kind of games, like as though they have a strange conspiring connection amongst them :-


01: There's always some badass megalomaniac bent on ruling the world.
Yep, and he has an almost endless supply of fighter jet pilots, tank battalions and turret gunners to do his evil bidding. His headquarters is nothing short of impressive and laden full of powerful guns. But no matter how great there's bound to be a hero who will manage to crack the code and destroy his lair.

02: There are a lot of suicidal evil pilots and tank crew who don't mind shooting at people they don't know.
Indeed. They make up the bulk of the cannon fodder that the hero (in this case it's you) will encounter along the journey. These nameless, mindless henchmen who spend years training to fly planes and do not hesitate to shoot at heroes that are destined to win over them. They usually comprise of useless individuals who can't even shoot straight. All these poor sods get in appreciation for their service with the villain boss is a lousy, cheapskate plane that explodes instantly by a single shot to it, guaranteeing no chance of survival.

03: You never run out of missiles or ammunition
Good news heroes and enemy pilots alike - you are all blessed with a never-ending supply of rockets and tracer magazines to shoot the heck out of one another. Your guns will never overheat from the constant firing, and missiles just magically appear on your wingtips after a few seconds, ready to lock on the next target.

04: There's always an enemy plane full of power-ups to aid you
Nothing can be dumber than a evil megalomaniac who approves of power-up plane blueprints. No bad guy in his right mind would ever so generously provide assistance to the hero in the form of fighter jet arsenal add-ons so that he can pit the big boss' downfall. Surely even the enemy pilot of the power-up plane would see the rationalé of this whole dumbass operation as illustrated below :-

Enemy Pilot: But boss, why are you even sending me out in a plane full of powerful weaponry meant to be picked up by the hero after he destroys my jet and kills me?

Evil Boss: I don't care, just go! Go I tell you!

Enemy Pilot: You idiot! No wonder we'll never win this game for eternity! It's because of idiots like you who keep on supplying heroes with powerful guns that we keep on losing the war!

05: Every pilot flies at the same altitude
Isn't it amazing that planes, meant to fight third-dimension wars by harnessing the advantages of altitude, can all just fly on a fixed agreed height, both hero and enemy jets. This is the dumbest thing since having the bad boss approving of planes carrying power-ups to assist the hero in his quest. Adding to the insult is just how even tanks on the ground can manage to shoot planes in the air.

06: The government does not care for you
Curiously enough you never seem to start missions with fully powerful planes, but instead have to slowly gather power-ups via the suicidal enemy pilots. This would seem to make me think that the government does not actually care enough for my welfare to provide me with enough firepower and ensure my own survival as I take on the boss' henchmen.

07: Everyone's shots looks exactly the same
The ubiquitous, round-shaped orange pellet that travels with fairly fast speed across the screen is both amusing and deadly. Amusing because it defines the defacto trademark of all vertical-scrolling games, and deadly because somehow or the other the enemy seems to always have a better and faster firing rate compared to you.

08: You are reincarnated twice per token
Strange, yes. Getting killed is often a tidy process in vertical-scrolling games with little or no debris from destroyed vehicles. Everybody just kind of vaporises into thin air, and no one mourns for dead buddies. If you get killed, an exact clone of you will arrive at the scene in less than three seconds after your original self has just died, and you are given five seconds' worth of indestructability period. Nevermind that the whole journey from the plane carrier situated somewhere in the vast Pacific ocean to Alaska takes some time. Your replacement duplicate will always be on time.

09: You never have to go for toilet breaks
Fighting this war must be taking a strain on every pilot, yet you do not have to stop to piss, shit, rest, sleep, or even eat. You just fly, and fly, and knock enemy planes out of the sky, and fly some more while awaiting the boss for that particular scenario. It's a sick routine that would make even the sanest pilot mad.

10: The background music never goes away
While you're busy fighting, there is always an irritating soundtrack playing in the background in the sky, presumably to boost your yamato damaishii. Someone, or a few musicians high up in the clouds somewhere actually have the decency to follow you around for every stage, complete with bass guitars, drums and electronic keyboards and mash up electronica music that repeats over and over til it reaches a sickening crescendo.

11: The boss blinks when hit
It must be me, or it's a cool new kind of technology. But I seriously cannot comprehend just why level bosses are all equipped with vehicles that actually blink when your shots find its mark. What exactly is the secret behind this? And to make things even stranger you (as the hero) can get time off after the destruction of the level boss while someone meticulously calculates your medals and kill ratio and finally gives you a bonus. During that process, no enemy is cruel enough to take precise aims at your jet to destroy you.

12: There is always a sub-mini boss
A prevalent disease amongst some vertical-scrolling games. You finally destroy the level's boss, only to find out that a smaller plane is hidden within the big plane that you've just obliterated. It will subsequently transform into a robot and spray even more orange pellets at you. You, on the other hand, can never get the luxury of having a cool transforming plane, and your vehicle seems inferior compared to what the level bosses are using to kill you.

13: The most you can get is a partner
Not more than that, although the world can offer more than just two pilots fighting for freedom. I mean, if you send all the good guys at once ala Independence Day, the war can be over soon am I not correct? But nooo, the government has to send just two against two million. I really suspect by now the government does not care whether I return back alive or die fighting.

14: You still have time for souvenirs and medals
The nice part of this war is that you can destroy houses, buildings, and other public amenities to reveal medals and cash items to pick up for points. Some of the medals are even as big as the plane that you are piloting. Trouble is, how is it even possible to acquire them by just "flying over" the items? Next tell me how in the world can a small plane actually carry thousands of medals in its cargo bay without the slightest hint of getting bogged down?

15: You win in the end as usual
It will be conveniently revealed to you in the form of a message outside your cockpit - Final Level. This is to tell you that you've struggled hard through the entire journey, and that you're coming close to the end. You are brainwashed to believe that you will emerge victorious, even though the fact is that you're now Clone No.10, with the previous ones having died in fiery plane dogfights. And in the end, you do win the war, but at a price of a few more tokens if you are a lousy pilot. The boss will be destroyed along with the remmants of his army, and the world will be a safe place once again. Until the next token slides in, that is...


I admit that I still do occasionally play re-runs of these games. Just for old times' sake, and to get a kick out of laughing at the illogical things I've just presented out. The 80s were indeed a golden age for video games.