The Ultraman Clichés : A Look Into Why His Zipper Is Visible & Other Mysteries

I have been watching Ultraman (as far as I can remember) since I was some small fry. Over the years of watching this overgrown superhero from space who battles mean rubbery monsters, a few illogics struck me. Therefore, I have compiled a list of the things I find strange about all Ultraman TV shows, hoping one day I will discover the truth behind these mysteries...

For an in-depth look at how my cousin Silent Assassin gives the answers to my conspiracy questions listed below, click here

Conspiracy #1 : You Can See His Bodysuit Zipper

The thing that breaks many the heart of a die-hard Ultraman fan upon learning the awful truth. The fact that the suspicious line running all the way down his back is clearly visible to all is the ultimate mother-of-all insults which turns off a lot of Ultraman fans. Add the hard-to-miss gloves and boots and well, there you have it; a perfect man-in-rubber-tights-and-plastic-helmet scenario, probably sweating his @$$ out filming every episode.

Conspiracy #2 : Tokyo Always Gets Targeted

It's a well-known and often-asked question; Why the heck is it always Tokyo that gets stomped to the ground, and why isn't it any other city in another foreign country? These questions have baffled many Ultraman fan for generations, as week after week another different species of monster emerges from its dark domain and starts stomping everything in sight. If it isn't Tokyo for the week then it's some other Nippon city like Kyoto, Yokohama or Osaka. Why not New York, Paris, or Berlin for a change? Is it because the monsters are racist and thus they hate destroying foreign cities?

Conspiracy #3 : Tokyo Is Rebuilt In A Week

Yet another conspiracy that continues to evade logic; The Japs must be some super-fast race with super-friggin' fast hands, 'cos here I see Tokyo being stomped to dust now, with every high-rise building and every skyscraper leveled, yet on the next Saturday at precisely 10.30 am I see the same Tokyo city in perfectly fine condition again, with nary a building out of place and not even a crack on a wall.

Conspiracy #4 : Why Rebuild When You Know It'll Be Back On Saturday?

It amazes me that the Japanese are even going to take the initiative to rebuild the whole city (not just a building) from scratch, when come Saturday morning all will be gone again in less than a standard minute. Given me, I'd just leave the city as it is after a massive monster stomp-fest for the next monster to stomp its heart out in another 6 days to come. You want to flatten our city? Go ahead, make it your own personal playground.

Conspiracy #5 : Hello, Anybody Home?

Usually in the first few minutes the monster has its field day tearing apart the apartments, the skyscrapers, people's bungalows and such. But notice carefully and you'll see that NOBODY is always in at the moment. Seriously speaking, the houses are always devoid of any human existence. The only rationale explanation that I can give is that the population has fled once again upon seeing the monster who is always punctual for its work at 10.30 am.

Conspiracy #6 : Talk About Low Cost Houses

While the monster smashes a house, notice that the walls do not break apart like as though it were made out of bricks and mortar; rather they splinter and occasionally blow up with traces of syrofoam and plywood. So what the hell is going on? Is it my eyes deceiving me or are those houses carved suspiciously out of cardboard and syrofoam and Ultraman plus the monster are actually two grown men in stinking rubber suits fighting on a stage set?

Conspiracy #7 : The Japanese Government Has Too Much Cash To Burn

Believe me when I tell you the Japanese government has too much cash to burn. When you see how the millions are poured into Tokyo city or [Insert Any Other Japanese City here], you'll be shaking your head in disbelief. To rebuild a monster-prone city is akin to throwing the money into a monsoon drain. The officials would have more entertainment by starting a bonfire and shoveling the money in.

Conspiracy #8 : The Monster Attack Team (MAT) Is Composed Of Morons

Ah yes, Japan's only last line of defence, and the nation's last hope... and it is comprised of morons who can't even tell their left hand from their right. These are the same bunch of morons who will be responsible to stop the monster's advances further inland. No wonder the monsters chose to attack Japan week after week. If I were a monster, Tokyo would be on top of my list too! Think of it; free human sushi, free Toyotas to flatten and those excellent Japanese girls to abduct en masse, and there's nothing the MAT can do with their puny weapons should Ultraman decide to do a no-show for the week, speaking of which...

Conspiracy #9 : The Weapons Used By The MAT Are Designed By Morons

No offence to the engineers who worked hard to design impressive-looking weapons for the MAT team, but personally, I think that those big guns, the dashing pistols and the futuristic planes that the team members have at their disposal are wasted. Big time. They may look big, shiny and impressive, but getting them to break a monster's fingernail is another problem. The same applies to their overly-modified cars; those junks with an occasional big laser turret affixed on top of them is practically useless. What happens every time is that one of the MAT members zap the monster with the turret (or gun, plane, whatever) and the resulting smoke and explosions that follow merely irritates the monster. No real harm done to the monster. In fact you could throw a brick at it and stand a better chance of killing it compared to the heavy weaponry featured. Is this what the government is spending the taxpayers' money on?

Conspiracy #10 : The Monsters Are Equally Dumb Morons

It has never occurred to the monsters en masse that if they appeared all 10 at once to battle Ultraman, they can be assured that Ultraman's @$$ would be kicked more times than a football would in its life span. Probably their brains aren't very developed (hence the mad flailing of hands and growls instead of proper monster language) or perhaps it's the fact that they have pig fat for muscles and a carrot stick for a brain. (Glances at monster fighting Ultraman). Nah, make that two carrot sticks.

Conspiracy #11 : Nobody Suspects Who Ultraman Really Is

Yet another piece of evidence suggesting the people that make up the MAT team aren't very bright individuals; whenever a monster appears from thin air and starts trashing Tokyo all over, they are all summoned to the battlefront. Then, when the team is busy firing their useless thaser guns at the monster, our hero quietly slips away to do the macarena dance in order to change into Ultraman. And while our hero engages the alien monster, the team looks on with awe but yet they never seem to notice that the main hero (now as Ultraman) is the only one missing, and when all is over and he appears before them, they ask him where he's gone to and he answers he had to answer the call of nature, upon which everybody believes and takes it without much questions asked. Once or twice might be forgivable, but EVERY episode?

Conspiracy #12 : The Voice-Over Dubbings Are Horrendous

If there were anything far stinkier than the lousy script, the lame acting and the clichéd fighting moves, it has got to be the voice-dubbings. Bloody hell irritating. This is noise pollution at its worst. The lines are corny, the pitch is squeaky-high like a rodent having sex, and the voice usually belongs to some bratty-looking boy who is light years away from hitting puberty, and oh, the voice sounds suspiciously girly-like. Before leaving, Ultraman should do us a favor and zap that boy (who usually only appears at the last few scenes) along with his over-the-top sexy mum with his Specium Ray. Only then will the safety of our ears be guaranteed. Erm... actually you can spare the sexy mum. We only want to see the little boy decimated.

Conspiracy #13 : The Population Doesn't Get Pissed-Off With The Destruction

Likewise, as Ultraman struggles to send the "Monster of the Week" to kingdom come, I'm sure in the process he (Ultraman) will knock over a few buildings, flatten a few houses and wreck some expensive sports cars. The pair do the tango for a few more jigs before Ultraman unleashes his "Super-T-light-that-decimates-everything-in-sight" combo. All's well after that and the big guy goes back to space. Fine with me, except that now Tokyo city is nothing more than a solid mass of smouldering bricks and twisted metal parts. Yet the people still smile and wave to Ultraman. No one is traumatised by the incident (I presume the people there are used to weekly monster incidents) nor are there anyone pissed with Ultraman for having something to do with destroying their houses and Mitsubishis as well. Nope, life is good. :p

Conspiracy #14 : Ultraman Only Fights At The Last Minute

Ultraman appears from the dust. First few minutes he gets trashed like mad. Both Ultraman and big scary rubber monster do the tango. Crush buildings. Flatten houses. No one complains. More tango. More houses and buildings vanish to dust. Beeper on Ultraman's chest starts to blink and emit weird sound. That's the signal to fight back. Left hook. Right hook. Monster spurts blood. Ultraman emits Specium Ray. Monster blows up into a million pieces. Ultraman flies away. End of story.

Conspiracy #15 : The Whole Thing Is A Big, Fake Set-Up Conspiracy

It doesn't take a genius to see that the whole damn thing is a big, fake set-up meant to trick pre-pubescent kids into believing that there is ACTUALLY a 130-foot superhero with salted duck eggs for eyes duking it out with a rubberized monster just a few countries away from his own. I mean come on, if Ultraman were to fight with some alien monster hell-bent on taking over Tokyo (for whatever reasons it has, I dunno) on a regular basis, shouldn't there we at least feel some earthquakes hitting our country generated by the dancing pair every Saturday morning?

Epilogue

So there you have it, the red-and-silver superhero who comes from space, battling different variety of monsters Saturdays after Saturdays, the staple diet of healthy television for those born in the 80s. Of course, much of Ultraman has remained unchanged, but personally I think it would be better if the producers start replacing those fake laser blow-ups and clean monster exploding deaths with severed limbs, bloody guts, vomit, and yes, lots of foul-language cursing between our Ultra hero and the monster. After all, with today's redundant violence from those wrestling and reality TV shows, Ultraman has to adapt in order to win back a larger fanbase too. :P Don't blame me, blame television :P