Episode III & The 1/2 : Revenge Of The Sikh

Ubi Wan Keloobi Singh clutched his lightsaber tightly; there was an unseen disturbance in the Force, and it was very near to where he was standing. Yet all around him, nothing alive was to be seen, and the only things "alive" were the orange lava, moving lazily along their pre-charted course. Stillness, it was almost like a tranquil dream...

Suddenly, out from nowhere, echoing off the hard slabs of slates that made up the cavern, a voice shouted out, "Ubi Wan, pyaar ho hooci hoot dhaat !!! Paji poo !!!" (don't ask me what that was).

It was Anandkin Singhwalker, hair long and disheveled. The Dork side of the Force had changed him completely from a Joodi to a Sikh. With a lightsaber that glowed an eerie blood red, he jumped down from a stone platform ten stories high above the ground, cape flailing in the wind like a Raggedy Ann doll.

"DUSSSSSHH !!!"

That was the sound of his feet landing onto the hard, cold slate floor of the cavern, miraculously surviving the jump without any signs of pain or fatigue. A typical BollyWood favourite.

"Dei Anandkin macha!!! Choobi hoot pyaar yala!!!" so said Ubi Wan (something about Anandkin my "friend" or "brother." The rest I dunno. Don't ask). To which Anandkin replied, "Hahahahaha... Macha?!! Kanni kootti bhai!!! Poodeh!!!" (I seriously dunno what this is also, save for the last word, which means "Get lost" :P).

"Dei!!! Pyaar choot bhota hai!!! Pooja kudi kucha poot!!!" was the reply (I think it means let’s talk back in normal talk that people can understand since there are no subtitles and besides, I’m running out of ideas of Punjabi-sounding words to write :P)

"OK tambi, you got it!!!" so said Anandkin Singhwalker. And the situation got even tenser now as the name-callings began :-

"Dei Anandkin lu pandi!!!" (pig)
"Dei Keloobi nik peiee!!!" (ghost)
"Naiee!!!" (dog)
"Sutte" (ass/butt)
"Kunji" (Erm... Male "thingy" :P)
"Pundek" (I think it’s the "female thing"... I think. Nevermind)
"[ Deleted Profanity ]"
"[ Deleted Profanity ]"
"[ Deleted Profanity ]"

Thus and so this shouting match went on for about ten minutes… until finally Ubi Keloobi said, "Dei, kita sudak habis itu kata-kata busuk mau panggil sama kita. Mau start itu lawan ka macha?". Anandkin agreed, "Wokeh, tambi, start!"

Anandkin Singhwalker was the first to activate his saber. "Pwisssh!!!" and a red beam of laser extending to about 1 meter in length appeared from the hilt of his torchlight. Ubi Keloobi did the same "Pwooosh!!!". His was equally as long, but it was blue instead of red. A stark contrast. A deadly duel. A clichéd BollyWood movie.

The two then lunged for each other’s hairy throats, sabers locked in target, with the deadly purpose of ending each other’s life, and BollyWood superstar career. This would be a fight many Sikhs and Punjabs would be talking about for generations to come while munching on kacang putih (white nuts).

"Skrittt!!! Snorrkk!!!! Pzeeee!!!! Zooop!!!" These sounds were heard when the two sabers met each other. Sparks flew occasionally, but due to the limited budget, only a few were allowed by the director as the pyrotechnics cost quite a bomb.

All of a sudden, due to misjudgment in Anandkin’s attack or Ubi Keloobi getting closer to becoming an old fart, the former Joodi Master’s red saber raked across Ubi Wan’s right arm, creating a cut two inches in length. Ubi Wan was furious; that was a brand new dhoti from Amma and Appa, and now they’ll be angry at him for ruining it before a week was up.

He shouted, "Dei Anandkin. Lu jangan main-main sama gua tau? Gua ni manyak marah nanti lu tau dei!!!"

Anandkin did not reply, but instead unleashed another barrage of saber attacks towards Ubi Keloobi Singh’s direction. Another cut was registered on the same arm, only a few inches higher than the first cut rendered. This time, he was real pissed, and pissed-off BollyWood men should not be messed with as they have big hairy chests, beer bellies and huge armpits.

"Dei Anandkin, last warning juga gua kasi lu… Lu jangan main-main sama gua tau??!!! Gua kasi pukul lu sama lu punya [censored]", Ubi Wan cried. "Gua tarak kisah. Lu mati itu lu munya pasal!!!" and swung his saber at Ubi’s throat, hoping to get a lucky strike.

It missed, and Ubi Wan managed to parry his blow with a "Super Bhai Punch". "DUUUSSSHHH!!!" The force of the punch sent Anandkin’s lightsaber flying away from the grip of his hand. He was now unarmed... and now possibly awaiting BollyWood-style death at the hands of his adversary.

"Dei macha. Nik choot pyaar kootti poo. Pooja hei kuch sadh waahe hoot!!!". That was Anandkin telling Ubi Wan to throw his saber down and fight the finishing battle like a man. Ubi Singh agreed. Now the both of them were fighting equal once more. Knuckle-to-knucle. Mano a mano. It began...

"DUSSSSHHH!!!" A blow landed onto Ubi Wan’s hairy chest.
"BISSSSHHH!!!" Anandkin's handsome face was given a right hook.
"BRRRUUKKK!!!" Ubi was generously offered a smack in the rib-cage.
"DORRRRKKK!!!" Ubi’s left leg smacked itself hard against Anandkin’s head.

The blow to the head was too much, and Anandkin fell down "PRRAAPPP!!!", concussed. "Macha… Gua skalang kasi lu satu lagi chance balik sama itu Joodi (Jedi for those who are still clueless). Lu mau ka tarak mau, hah?" Ubi’s message came loud and clear.

Almost immediately a bunch of Joodis dressed in the same outfits came running out of nowhere and started dancing behind Ubi Wan, while a group of Clonetroopers appeared out of nowhere and did the "Super Bhai Hoot Dance" behind Anandkin. Both Ubi and Anandkin started singing also simultaneously :-

"Dei pyaar. Mucha mucha pooji hei aaa..."
"Habba habba sandh dok heiiiiiii..."
"Hoota hoota kooji hai ee..."
"Habba habba pyaar dok heiii..."

And it went on, the singing, for 3 minutes or so. After the song ended, the Jedis and the Clonetroopers vanished as mysteriously as they had appeared. Ubi Wan then repeated the same question again as before (asking Anandkin to come back to the Joodis).

"IIIIILLLLEEEEEK!!!! POOODEHHH NIK PANDIIII!!!!" Anandkin resounded and threw a handful of sand into Ubi’s eyes, and blinded him partially. "PUUUNNNDEK!!!" cried Ubi Singh as he desperately rubbed his eyes to get rid of the offending sand (like the Clonetroopers and Joodis, the sand had mysteriously appeared out of nowhere too in this rocky, sandless area).

Taking advantage of his temporary blindness, Anandkin grabbed his former Joodi master by the waist, "BUUUUUKKK!!!" (the sound when he grabbed Ubi’s waist), and proceeded to pummel him with punches.

"DUUUSSSHHH!!! BIIISSSHHH!!!! DOOORRRKKK!!! BOOOSSSHHH!!! DOOSSSHHH!!!" The punches rained down repeatedly without mercy or even a reliever for a 5-minute commercial break.

Ubi was bleeding profusely from his head, and half sober (Why Anandkin didn’t retrieve his lightsaber to finish Ubi off is still a BollyWood mystery). With impending victory, Anandkin Singhwalker dragged his ex-master near to the edge of the boiling lava pit to throw him in, a favorite way to finish off the good guys made famous by generations of bad guys.

As Ubi’s body neared the pit of no return, suddenly his hand shot up and grabbed Anandkin’s throat. A simple move. A clichéd act. Yet useless. Weakened from the repeated blows to his head, lack of ghee in today's morning breakfast and too much blood loss, Ubi’s efforts were proving futile. With much ease, Anandkin released Ubi’s grip from his throat.

"Dei Anandkin macha. Kasi gua satu chance la..." No response. Pushes Ubi’s body even nearer to the edge of the pit. Ubi grew desperate, "Dei macha. Satu kali chance la dei!!!"

Still no response. By now, his life was literally hanging by a thread… from his dhoti that got entangled in some rock nearby, thus sparing him a few more moments of life.

"Dei macha… DEI!!! DEIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The thread broke...

* * * * * * * * * *

(To be continued in May 2005)