The "Support Original Pornographic CDs" Campaign

KOALA LUMPY: In view of the recent raids and police crackdowns on pirated CDs, DVDs, and pornographic discs, the National Censorship Board, after much discussion and brainstorming with the relevant authorities, has passed a new rule :-

Pornographic VCDs and DVDs are now made legal. This was the announcement made last Monday night during the 4am TV15 Nationwide news broadcast. According to the spokesperson in charge of "cutting out irrelevant material out of all movies", this move was proposed and legalised since the menace of pirated pornographic VCDs and DVDs continue to flourish, usually controlled by taiko barons and kingpins.

Therefore, in order to combat this grave situation, the government has decided that from this day onwards, all pornographic discs are to carry the Perakuan B certificate and also the infamously-pirated Original holographic sticker. With this in mind, the authorities concerned targets the pirated pornographic VCD and DVD scourge to be fully eliminated by the year 2080.

"Of course, the public has to play their part in not purchasing these pirated versions as well", the official spokesperson added. "This campaign to eradicate pirated pornographic discs will not succeed if everyone does not fully support it".

Also present at the launching of the "Support Original Porno Discs" campaign was the police Chief Inspector who wished to remain anonymous. He then proceeded to explain in detail the different kinds of "stars" for the original pornographic VCDs and DVDs that were currently in the market. Each "star" rated would subsequently affect the final cost of the CD's pricing and also the amount of content consumers get for their money's worth.

"1-Star means that the video will play until the part where they start kissing and grope each other. Once the undressing begins, at the point where the actress is about to reveal her goodies, the movie will be edited and the next scene that follows will be the part where the two (or more of them) have put their clothes back on and are now having a normal discussion while sitting on the sofa. Fixed pricing for each VCD is about RM9.90 while the DVD version goes for RM14.90"

"A 3-Star CD would not have the exciting and fun parts edited as compared to the earlier one. The difference here is that once the sensitive parts of the human body are exposed, they are immediately clothed digitally using the latest technology with the likes of Adobe PhotoShop and also Adobe After-Effects, a tool usually used to edit and manipulate videos. The audio would also be replaced with songs from the Disney collection, thus making this a wholesome show to be enjoyed by family members together. The VCD starts from as low as RM14.90 while the price of the DVD goes for RM19.90."

"Meanwhile, for the 5-Star product, the viewer is ensured maximum satisfaction as the censorship is not so harsh. The private parts of the actors and actresses would have Smiley faces painted digitally on them or in some cases, have advertisements blocking the offending parts of the anatomy. CDs in this category show the most skin of all. We see this as a great way of making money via advertising as well. For the audio, we've decided to incorporate the Dolby Sound System 5.1 with massive explosions, car crashes etc. Prices start at RM19.90 for a VCD and RM29.90 for a DVD."

In addition to that, we at the Moon Newspaper also interviewed a few people to gauge their reactions. Some ranged from excessively happy while others, (especially housewives) were infuriated at this "legal" movement. A few showed stoned expressions. We assumed they were aliens from outer space. Here's what the few interviewed had to say to this :-

Ah Kow, 22, Student - Aisey man. Last time we all used to buy straight direct from pasar malam one la. That one 10 Ringgit for the VCD, summore see all one, no censored! Wah lau, now they make it legal, cut all the nice parts, and summore charge us so much ah? Hui sei lah!

Ali, 26, Manager - Ehh, what is this? This kind of things shouldn't be allowed! No no. We don't need it, especially now in the age of Bittorrent, where you can get uncensored porn for free. Alamak, nak censor lagi nak caj mahal. Ni tak bermoral ni..."

Muthu, 37, Restaurant Owner - Dei, apalah ni? I don't want this 'original' things to be in my household. Waste of money only. Why buy original when you can borrow and burn a copy from your friends? It doesn't make good sense to buy at all.

It seems that most of the public were against the movement, claiming that they were paying money for censored products, while some were asking if there were any higher than 5-Stars being offered with the promise of complete exposure. It seems that they would not mind paying more to see the actors and actresses bare all, rather than paying less and be stuck with a worthless item.

The original pornographic CDs will be made available in all major music and video stores. As of press time, there are already more than 100 titles out in the market, with American, Japanese and other titles to choose from. However, to protect the anonymousness of the actors and actresses, we will not reveal any of the title names.

"We do think this niche will catch on later" the spokesperson was also quoted as saying while digging his nose.-SNN