The Spirit Of Unsportsmanship

I was watching the Olympics the other day when they showed those 4 x 100m events of the past years, and suddenly I was reminded of my own sad, terrible tragedy which took place more than a decade ago...

I was a bright-eyed, naive and innocent boy then (and still am now), and it was the annual School Sports Day. We'd specially rented the Bukit Jalil Staduim for this special event. Apart from the mundane long jumps, high jumps, and goodness-knows-what-else-would-jump, there was the 4 x 100m relay, with four gold medals to be awarded to the winning team.

Tensions ran high, naturally. I was one of those asked to represent the Red Team, for whatever the reason was known only to God. I wasn't particularly a person you would call a fast sprinter. I mean, I even had enough difficulty running after the ice-cream truck, and they're just placing me in there? They'd probably have more luck predicting the 4 winning lottery digits. Granted, all I had was height, and I might have excelled better in NBA, but that's another story for another fine, sunny day.

On that particular day, the four of us were asked to get ready, and the coach handed us our team uniforms - nothing more than simple cotton t-shirts tinged with a healthy dose of Communist Red. I loathe that shirt. Don't even get me started on the sporting event logo. Fast forward 2 hours, and there we were, all set on the sprint track. With four teams comprising four runners each plus the respective coaches made around twenty-plus individuals on the grounds.

As each team huddled together to receive their last words of wisdom, our coach broke the news to us: there was going to be a reshuffling of each runner's position. I was scheduled to run third, but was now placed last, due to an unwise decision made by our bumbling coach. She reckoned that the guy originally schedule to run after my turn would give our team the upper hand should he run first in front of me. Big mistake. No sooner than that, all of us got ready to sweat it out and burn rubber on the grids, and perhaps tear a hamstring or two for those unfortunate enough to get it. As I was in fourth position, there was nothing much that I could do except sit down, and prayed that my first runner had taken enough steroids not to fall behind the rest.

With the shot fired, it boiled down to a test of strength versus will, muscle against muscle, and the doped versus the undoped while the crowd went wild. Our guy made the mark and he passed the baton to the second dude. The latter chalked up a pretty good record too and the baton made its way into the third fella's hand. He was off like a speeding bullet. That was when all the innocence of my childhood began fading away, and the ugly realities of life started to beat the snot out of me.

At first, things looked good, but then later somehow Mr. Third Runner seemed to slow down, and the remaining two sprinters from opposing teams quickly caught up with him, eventually passing him by. By the time I received the baton, all three runners from the other teams were already almost halfway around the bloody track. I tried my best to keep pace with them, but it was no use. I even tried to visualize that ice-cream truck in front of me to allow myself some encouragement to run faster, but even the phantom ice-cream man, with his neatly-pressed white uniform complemented with a black bow tie, poked his head out of the imaginary ice-cream truck and laughed at me.

By now, the three earlier sprinters had already completed the race, and were sitting around the track resting their worn-out muscles, eyes on me. I was only at the halfway mark, no thanks to the third guy's inept running skills. What could've turned out to be my finest hour now lay in shambles, as the crowd, now impatient, started booing me in unison. They were obviously tired of waiting for the race to end, and the sight of one lone runner going for broke amused them, or probably angered them, or both. I don't know. To be booed is one thing, and to be faulted for other people's ineptness and idiocy is another.

I finally reached the finishing line, and for a moment there I swore I caught a glimpse of my coach giving me her disapproving stare. What did I do wrong anyway? But there was no time for that as my tired muscles, poorly-trained for this event, eventually gave way and I tumbled down onto the track. No one came to my aid nor help me up to the locker room. Those pretty young female nurses which were abundant all around the stadium one moment were gone the next. I was left to simmer and bake under the afternoon sun. So much for taking one for the team. The next year, requests for me to make an appearance for the sprinting team once more were met with replies of "Get lost!" and "You'll never take me alive!", echoed by me.

Turkish Star Wars - A Terrible Hope

In life, one will occasionally stumble upon a few bad movies that either has a lousy stinking storyline, campy special-effects, or extremely wooden acting. They are a pain in the ass to watch, and simply a waste of my life just to endure that 2 hours. Despite knowing all this, nothing can seriously prepare you for the sheer insanity that is Dunyayi Kurtaran Adam (The Man Who Saves The World), more popularly referred to as "Turkish Star Wars" due to the excessive bootlegging of space dogfight scenes from Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, particularly those of the Death Star trench run. Watching the movie was akin to smoking yourself silly with shisha while high on alcohol. It's that bad, but hilarious, nonetheless.

Curiously, the Turks seem to have a penchant for recycling Hollywood blockbuster films to their own version, usually on a shoestring budget most of the time. Other notable "copycat" movies include Turkish Star Trek, Turkish E.T., Turkish Wizard Of Oz and of course, Turkish Superman. But Dunyayi still holds the number one spot for the masterpiece crass that is pirated Star Wars.

Produced in 1982 during the politically-upheaving times in Turkey meant that access to American-made movies were simply next to impossible. Thus almost no one then back in the country had heard of Jaws, Star Wars, Superman and Indiana Jones, to name a few. So director Cetin Inanc decided to make his legendary movie based on, well, Star Wars, for the Turkish cinema. Normally I would steer clear of bad, B-Grade movies, but not this one, which has been officially named as one of the worst movies ever made. It's so bad that it's surprisingly good to watch, and is essentially THE ultimate flick for lonely Saturday nights. Need to unwind? Watch Dunyayi. Had a bad day at work today? Pop Dunyayi into the DVD player.

Therefore, without further ado, let's buckle ourselves into the seat of the Kurtaran, I mean err, Millennium Falcon and grab your popcorn as you sit back and let the plot unravel slowly below (not that there's much spoilers to give away anyway - it's just basically a hack and slash plot) :-

CHAPTER 01: IT IS A TIME OF CIVIL WAR
A long time ago in a Turkish-speaking galaxy far, far away, there lived this badass megalomaniac in a colorful Mardi Gras-like costume (let's call him Turkish Vader) who had this evil intention of invading and conquering Earth (what else if not that?). Helping him in his nefarious scheme is a slutty princess, an evil blue robot with a trashcan for a head and an ambulance light on top of it (I swear), his personal gay-looking sidekick with a generous helping of afro hair, and a few more generic-looking henchmen. The opening credits of the film is, thankfully, devoid of the infamous Star Wars text crawl and theme song, so I guess credit must be given here for the creativity of the Dunyayi crew for using their own theme music. Then a few clips of planets are mashed together, including shots of the Death Star, broken in between by occasional shots of NASA rockets blasting off into space, and images of planets being blown to smithereens by the Death Star itself. Random segments of TIE fighters and X-Wings also make their debut in this scene.

CHAPTER 02: THE MEN WHO WILL SAVE THE WORLD
The scene then cuts to both of our heroes whose mission is to oppose Turkish Vader and his band of merry villains and save the world from their clutches of evil. Unlike other heroes, both the protagonists in this film are essentially potbellied, middle-aged men - Murat (the one with his head full of grey hair) and Ali (a horny womanizer) - wearing the typical kapcai motorcycle helmet with the visor removed. A pair of old-style walkman headphones are attached to the helmet, either because they think it looks cool or just simply a case of not wanting to let it go to waste. Director Cetin Inanc wanted the first 8 minutes of the movie to feature the heroes engaging the enemy starfighters, but no budget was present. The solution? Rip off scenes from the space dogfight sequences in Star Wars. In what appears to be a bizarre twist of the heroic duo piloting TIE fighters (minus the TIE pilot costume) battling waves of evil X-Wing fighters apparently sent by Turkish Vader himself, the close-up shots of the heroes have them to be pretending to fly while grainy footage of the fore mentioned dogfight plays on a rear projection screen just behind them. But this is only a quarter of the madness so far, as you will see.

CHAPTER 03: ONLY SILVER STORMTROOPERS CAN BE SO IMPRECISE
A bright bolt of lightning soon brings both of our heroes crash-landing onto an alien desert planet. Unfortunately there was also no planned budget for this scene so what you get is short segment of auroras while the heroes dig out of the rubble and dust themselves. At first, the surrounding area is reminiscent to the planet Tatooine of the 1977 classic. The next shot reveals pyramids and the Sphinx, so it doesn't take a smart individual to realize it's Egypt after all. No sooner than that, a horde of Skeleton Knights on horses in red flowing capes appear to terminate the duo, but are easily dispatched off with a flurry of karate chops and throws, even though Murat and Ali's punches constantly miss the bad guys by as much as five good inches. In what you will witness to be probably one of the worst ever display of fighting skills and combat choreography, the evil horsemen just seem to be standing around or waiting patiently for the heroes to throw and judo them off the horses. And all this while the soundtrack from "Raiders Of The Lost Ark" plays in the background over and over again. One can't help but wonder if director Cetin Inanc is either out of ideas or out of his mind, or both. Nevertheless, this movie follows the "Cliched Rules Of Close-Quarter Combat" very closely in the sense that ten well-trained and heavily-armed villains in full armor and riding atop horses can be so easily defeated by two unarmed and dazed heroes. It's amazing.

CHAPTER 04: WOT, NO LIGHTSABERS?
Fleeing by horse, the two then arrive at a small village, where they are subsequently taken captive by Turkish Vader's army, comprised of skinny gladiators, red furry monsters and silver Stormtroopers. The same skinny muscle-free gladiators in modified pots as helmets soon begin hacking and killing skinny muscle-free slaves. In the chaos, Murat devises a plan to escape with Ali, albeit a ridiculous one that involves spinning their captors around and round. The plan works, and soon the duo retreat into the caves with a sexy, Cleopetra-like lady with a scruffy-looking boy in need of a good bath. All's good until one of the protagonists accidentally stumble upon a room containing... mummies in fake toilet paper wrapping! As if on cue, the zombies come alive and break into the rooms, killing all the children (except for one) with their dirty fingernails. More walls come crashing down, but this time red and black variants of furry red monsters emerge. They too, assist in the massacre. Escaping into another room filled with a handful of survivors, both Murat and Ali block the doorway by means of a rolling stone, and without warning a six-foot tall brown Chewbacca-esque walking carpet emerges from nowhere and starts beating the remaining refugees to a bloody pulp with its shoestring whips! To add confusion to this whole movie, nothing is mentioned about the two heroes along with the nameless blonde and her bastard son; they seem to have vanished into thin air. To further emphasize the horror of the killings, Cutin Inanc decided to display the children's blood-splattered corpses on screen, whereby they subsequently turn into mummies after Turkish Vader is finished with drinking their blood. The heroic duo, along with the foxy lady and the remaining child are next seen retreating further into the mountains to prepare for the big battle, which means that a total workout and kungfu training will be needed. This is where the fun starts.

CHAPTER 05: USE THE KEBAB, LUKE
To begin, both the heroes level up their kungfu skills by chopping endlessly at cardboard rocks, scratch their fingers on the ground, and attain the ability to jump great distances by securing cardboard boulders onto their ankles and leap around like an astronaut on marijuana. Both of them do these incredible feats shirtless. I don't mind it if they have the body sculpture of Bruce Lee, Schwarzenegger or even Stallone, but sadly both Murat and Ali are blessed with the body shapes that somewhat resemble Jabba The Hutt. Next, Murat shows us that the same boulders are amazingly explosive if you kick them towards a cliff. The finale of the training dawns with Murat trying his best to look pissed-off towards the camera as he chops yet another cardboard boulder, but this time in half, leaving his hands bloodied.

CHAPTER 06: LUKE, I AM YOUR TURKISH FATHER
The duo then bid their farewell to the girl (did I mention that she's mute too?) and head towards a small-time town and invariably end up inside a bar, also roughly fleshed out as the Lucas original. The patrons in the bar comprise of men in ugly rubber masks, skinny muscle-free gladiators, and a few unintelligible ones (it doesn't matter since it's a mindless flick anyway). Murat and Ali order drinks but a fight suddenly breaks out, leaving them no choice but to beat everyone silly. Enter Kung Fu Joe, a Shaolin warrior wannabe donning a stereotype Asian rubber mask complete with a Fu Manchu moustache. A few more bad guys join the fight, but they are no match for our heroes' fighting prowess. Suddenly, with the help of bad video editing effects and cheesy camera trickery, Turkish Vader appears and stands on top of a table, of all the places to stand! With cheapskate transition effects that involve moving a red filter across the lens (presumably to simulate, erm, a red transition effect), Turkish Vader tells Murat that he has both the blonde and her bastard son with him and threatens to harm them should he disobey him right there and then. Our heroes have no choice but to submit, and they have God to thank that Turkish Vader isn't a gay asshole who decides to sexually probe them before whisking them both back to his lair (or did he?).

CHAPTER 07:
Back at their terrifying headquarters, our heroes are forced to change into painfully stupid glossy clothes - Murat's shirt comes with two red circles in position where his nipples should be. Must be a fetish or something, but soon we learn that Turkish Vader is actually merciful and kind. He proposes to them that should they join him (because it's their destiny and crap like that), the three will rule the Turkish galaxy together as good friends. Naturally, buffed-up Murat declines, and this angers Vader a lot. And I mean a hell lot. So angry is he for wasting his saliva with Murat that he orders the Skeleton Knights and furry monsters (which seem to be abundant in this movie) to destroy them. Thus and so begins yet another round of senseless beatings, karate-chops and dismemberments of bodily parts. At this point, it's tempting to just fast-forward and get to the next part, but I must insist that you stay for the cheesy actions. About halfway into the fight, and in what would probably be Murat's most defining moment of the whole film, he blocks a sword thrust with his palms, puts the cutting edge of the weapon into his mouth and freaking karate chops it into pieces! Now I would seriously pay ten bucks to see these kind of insane movies at the cinema, I kid you not.

CHAPTER 08:


CHAPTER 09:


CHAPTER 10:


To be continued

Operation Mount. Kinabalu

"Boys and girls, fellow climbers of the Kinabalu Expeditionary Forces: You are about to embark upon the Great Crusade, toward which we have striven these many months. The eyes of the world are upon you. The hopes and prayers of adventure-loving people everywhere march with you. In company with our brave guides and brothers-in-arms on other Fronts you will bring about the ultimate conquer of the Kinabalu mountain, the victory over tired muscles and thin mountain air of North Borneo, and satisfaction for ourselves in a free world.

Your task will not be an easy one. The mountain is tough, rugged and battle-hardened. It will resist savagely.

But this is the year 2007! Much has happened since the trainings of 2006-07. The trainings have helped harden muscles and build staminas, in open jungles, man-with-man. Our mental alertness has seriously reduced the mountain's strength and the capacity to thin us out on the high ground. Our Home Fronts have given us an overwhelming superiority in moral support and munitions of adventure, and placed at our disposal great reserves of mountain-climbing equipment. The tide has turned! The free men of the world are marching together to Victory!

I have full confidence in your courage, devotion to duty and skill in climbing. We will accept nothing less than full victory!

Good Luck! And let us all beseech the blessing of Almighty God upon this great and noble undertaking."

Backtrack Date: Posted on 28th March 2007
After this little inspiring speech, I'll be off to classes and then back to pack the rest of the stuff and re-check all my equipments. Won't be back til the 4th April 2007. I'll be shipping out to conquer the mountain that I've been training for the past 9 months or so.

Pre-Kinabalu Nightmares

You know you're having pre-Kinabalu nightmares when :-

01: YOU DREAM ABOUT FORGETTING TO PACK CRUCIAL ITEMS
The typical nightmare for many to-be travelers. This is basically one of those that involves you arriving at your faraway destination, only to discover that you did not either pack your toothbrush along or forgot to include clean underwear in your overall luggage. You swear you remembered stashing those things inside your haversack and personally re-checked everything before you boarded the plane. And by now you're right smack in the middle of nowhere with not enough time to find a replacement, which means you'll have to endure the rest of the trip missing that crucial item, in this case my warm clothing. What a nightmare, you tell yourself.

02: YOU FIND YOUR TEAM MATES UTTERING EERIE GIBBERISH
You are promised that in order to lighten your load, climbing equipment and gears will only be bought once you reach the town. But soon after arriving you get that nagging feeling it isn't so. Everything that they tell you is total rubbish which makes no sense whatsoever, and it seems to you that they're constantly contradicting themselves with each passing word. The promised hiking boots that is to be bought here turns out to be the opposite, and soon you realize that it's gonna be a climb without the necessary items. Attempts to question your friend regarding the logic of it all only draws devillish laughter from his lips while he smokes a pipe. No supplies. You start to think it's a bloody nightmare.

03: YOUR LEGS ARE ALWAYS HEAVY AND TIRED
Despite the gruelling training you've put yourself through over the months, it seems that your physical body is still badly lagging compared to the rest of your climbing team. One by one they overtake you in the climb to the summit, and it won't be long before there is a gap of more than 100 meters between you and them. Despite trying to catch up, it only worsens things as the gap increases. You call out to them to wait for you, yet no replies come from them. It is as though you were never there in the first place. This is some badass nightmare.

04: YOU NOTICE THAT CLOTHES CHANGE VERY SO OFTEN
First you see good ol' Jack in his red thermal windbreaker. After a few steps slogging up the mountain, you look up to discover that Jack has somehow changed into a yellow and purple sweater. You shrug and continue up the slope. Probably a minute or two has passed since then and you look up once more. This time around, Jack is donning a black puffed-up snowsuit. It IS strange but yet you just can't seem to question the logic behind it. The changing of clothes go on as the ascent continues. It is a nightmare by itself.

05: YOU NEVER REACH THE SUMMIT NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU CLIMB
The mother of all ultimate mountain-climbing nightmares. You stop to catch your breath and estimate the peak to be another half hour away, judging from the distance. After that said half our has passed, you see that you are still nowhere near it, and strangely the distance to the summit still looks roughly the same to you now as it was half an hour before. You throw in another thirty minutes' worth of climbing and the summit is still a good distance away, if not further. By now you start to question if this whole damn thing is a nightmare.

I think I'm starting to go crazy.

Crisis Of The Exposed Valleys

This actually happened to me at work some time back. In case you are wondering, it has got nothing to do with my present office, but occured within the range of the five jobs that I had, so those reading this can kiss their chances of interviewing any of my current colleagues goodbye.


WHAT WILL YOU ACTUALLY DO?
You are at the office sitting snugly inside your cubicle, happily doing your work when suddenly from the corner of your eye you glimpse something - it's the shy but somewhat cute and innocent-looking female colleague of yours, and you tell yourself that you won't mind dating her for once. Innocent girls can be wild vixens. You never know.

You see her standing at the file cupboard, browsing through the said files stacked inside. She chooses one from the list, and starts to pore over the accumulated bills and whatnots. Suddenly without warning, she bends over to place the file onto the table nearby, and being almost 5" 8', it's obvious that she has to bend very, very low.

Did I also mention that of all the days she has to pick that peasant dress to wear today? Those that are somewhat loose near the shoulders so that the gathered sleeves can be pulled down and be worn off-shoulders (my favorite choice of clothes on a gal). And boy you start to see things that you are not supposed to. Let me add that she's quite oblivious to the fact that the shape of her majestic twin peaks are on display for all to see, but technically only me for the moment due to the viewing angle involved.

So now I'm gonna give you a few options to choose from. Pick wisely and not according to the level of how horny you are :-

OPTION 01
You stop staring immediately because you know it's wrong and you're a good boy. After debating to yourself whether or not you should casually stroll over to her and tell her of the free show she's putting on (for you at this point), you do that. But instead of appreciating it, you get slapped in return and she digs her fingernails into your face, all the while screaming "Pervert!". The facial reconstructive surgery sets you back 8000 bucks.

OPTION 02
You stare for awhile, then you debate if you should tell her of the disaster that's about to happen. You fear getting slapped by her, so you decide to leave it be and get back to work. But before that you steal one last look. After all, things like this don't happen everyday.

OPTION 03
You stare for quite a long time, wondering if anything's gonna happen next. You return briefly to work, typing in a few sentences and then you proceed to take out your camera phone, setting it to video mode, zooming it to the desired level and start shooting away. Something great for sleepless nights.


HOW YOU RATE IF YOU PICKED:-
OPTION 01: You meant well, but it just so happens that she thought that you were a pervert, that's all. Better luck next time. And as one of my friend would put it - don't bother. Chances are you'll land in the hospital with deep scratches all over your face than land a date with her.

OPTION 02: It's pretty hard to justify if what you've done is right or wrong. On one hand, you prefer not to stick your nose into her cleavage, I mean err, affairs. But on the other hand you wonder if by not telling her you have brought about an unbalance to the Force by letting those things swing free (no pun intended).

OPTION 03: You are the evillest son of a bitch that has ever lived. You bring disgrace to the menfolk with your horrendous ways. I can think of nothing less than the loveliest of swear words to describe your act. Got any nice shots BTW? I'll give you my e-mail address.

The Dark Truth About Catsup

CATSUP

Do you all know how catsup came to be called catsup and not tomato sauce or extract of tomato or even tomato puree?

That's because it isn't tomatoes that they're using for catsup! To quote, you think that's catsup you're taking with your fries? Instead of tomatoes, the main ingredient used in this world-famous sauce can be found in the first three letters of the word "catsup".

Originally called "catsup", it was later changed to "ketchup" to avoid people being suspicious from where then origins of this nice-tasting sauce came from. Observe that even the word "ketchup" and "catsup" sound oddly the same. But the dark truth is, specially bred felines were raised to give that sauce that "kick" before being shipped to be processed. When they are about 3-4 months old, they are taken away from their mother and kept in solitary confinement and given 3 meals a day, fed only with the best quality feline food and livestock feed.

When they reach about 9-10 months old, they are shipped to the "catsup processing plant" in the thousands to be processed into, well, what else? Great tasting catsup. With no added preservatives. And they don't put in any coloring too.

Not even a drop of coloring.

In there, the "ingredients" are passed through a giant crusher-extractor to extract their great-tasting sauce. Special custom-made crushers are used to fit their body contours to finish them off quickly, efficiently and painlessly yet getting the most juice out of them in one crushing. Pronto. The extracted juice then flows freely and is collected in a giant vat below the crushing machine. There the sauce is heated to 320 Farenheit (about 265 Degrees Celcius) to kill off any potential germs. Next, a mixer stirs the extract and at the same time a bit of vinegar is added to give that soury taste. This catsup puree is stirred well until it becomes thick and saucy. If you wonder why all "tomato catsup" is blood red in color, well I'm sure most of you can guess why.

Wild felines taste slightly different from their domestically-bred cousins. In the open, wild felines, when caught and torturously processed into catsup, taste slightly more sour, since they have higher acidic body content. However, they are processed in the same way as their domesticated counter-parts but in some varieties, a slight dash of vinegar and tabasco sauce is added to make another variety of catsup; the Thai Version.

With its great taste, and its availability all around the world, it's no wonder why catsup is here to stay... as long as the ingredients still remain for the secret to its great finger-licking taste. So if next time you see someone who has lost his/her feline friend under mysterious circumstances, fret not; chances are that feline fren has already gone thru the "catsup-sitation" process, bottled up into a bottle and he/she is already having it with his/her favourite fries or steak. Unknowingly of course.

So go ahead, open up a bottle of catsup today and enjoy it!!! And if you're wondering what the people do with real tomatoes that are cultivated worldwide, well basically they're shipped to factories the world over that produce commercial/industrial/home-based paint and even the common watercolors that you and I use to paint pictures with.

Situation Vacant: GIRLFRIEND

We are an established company dealing in outdoor adventure gears and other extreme sport equipment. We would like to invite a suitable candidate to apply for the following position below :-

GIRLFRIEND

Requirements :

Must be strong, independent, and one that doesn't cost a bomb to maintain. Must possess a Degree in Good Soulmateship. Gets excited when picking up a new language. Individuals with a sharp sense of dressing are encouraged to apply. Takes to reading like a secondary nature in life. Preferably one with own transport, but if none, it's still okay; BF Managing Director is willing to give a lift/pick her up on occasions. No experience in dating is necessary.

Interests :

Proficient in outdoor and extreme activities. Must also be interested in WWII history, philosophy, war movies, reading, fishing, movie soundtracks, electronic gadgets and talking crap. Slight knowledge in fast cars and The Matrix will be an added advantage. Constant upgrade of film and music pop-culture is recommended.

Responsibilities :

Dates, outings and all meals will be paid for and adhered to before marriage confirmation [minimum 3 years probation]. After marriage confirmation, your responsibilities will include wipe, wash, clean, cook, mop, scrub et al. Extra tasks will involve looking after children, if any.

Facial Requirements :

None, really. Our company goes by the motto, "Beauty Is Skin Deep". What we're looking for is natural beauty and inner beauty. But of course, the following can be an added advantage to candidates; sharp noses that can almost cut open letters, high cheekbones, bee-stung pouty lips, big radiant eyes, a contagious smile, a warm and kind heart, a spunky spirit, long eyelashes, and soft radiant skin, along with a great hourglass body figure and 5" 7' in height just to name a few.

Working Benefits :

Hugs and kisses from BF Managing Director, annual flowers and Valentine's Day chocolates, 365-day annual leave, unending love and attention, joy and happiness that no money in the world can offer, and much more. Free company trips to the outdoors for spending quality time. Also includes love and comfort during sick leave. No Medical Certificate is required.

Interested candidates are to contact the person below :-

The Managing Director
JDream Anderson-Smith

X-Treme Altitude Sport Gears Inc.
7th Floor, Claymore Tower,
JDream Avenue,
54321 Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

Tel : +603-77885050
Fax : +603-77885151
E-Mail : JDream_MX@dreamteam.com

Teach Yourself 1st-Person Shooter Games in 10 Tips

I play First-Person Shooter (FPS) video games a lot. Well, I used to. Age has somewhat slowed me down a little these days, coupled with the occasional times when I discover tragically that my current PC's hardware does not support a particular game since those games eat graphics cards and memory sticks for breakfast.

From humble beginnings of Quake II to the evergreen Counter-Strike, FPS games have changed little in terms of game play, storyline and tactics. With this, I bring you my experiences of what a standard run-of-the-mill FPS game has to offer. (Note: Those born after the 80s probably won't even have played the first Wolfenstein 3D).

Tip 01: Shoot anything that moves

The first rule of thumb in any FPS game. (Almost) everything that exists in the game running all over the place isn't going to come up to you and give you flowers. No, heck, all they want to do is pump you full of lead. Except for the occasional games like Quake IV or Half Life II where you have team mates to accompany you or some mysterious stranger giving you vital information, the rest are, to put it simply, cannon fodder, existing for the sole purpose of giving your gun something to do.

Tip 02: Inflammable explosive oil barrels equals enemies

In any given map, be it the urban cityscapes or some dark creepy mine of another planet, inflammable explosive oil barrels are always present. And welcome too. For you see, the presence of these barrels denote the presence of enemy soldiers/monsters nearby. Another use to these barrels, being their primary reason of existence, is that whenever a badass enemy is lunging towards you, just take a few steps back, fire a few rounds from your gun and watch the fireworks engulf the fiend. Of course, it pays to be both fast and accurate when executing these nimble acts else your character will be pushing up daisies in no time. We have a Malay version of this wise saying, which is, "Jikalau ada tong berapi, makalah ada musuh". Go figure.

Tip 03: Know your gun

With the exception of a few "extra-realistic" titles, most FPS games allow you to lug more than 5 guns around (excluding your puny pistol) and hold a few hundred thousand of rounds and grenades without even showing the least signs of fatigue. This is so since each gun "generously" bestowed upon you has its own set of strengths and shortcomings; some may be better at long-range sniping while others clear large masses of enemies without too much of a problem. Just remember though not to use those rocket-launchers at VERY close range. Not only it is suicidal, but you feel pretty wasted later. This applies to all games.

Tip 04: Ammo, ammo everywhere

Shortage of ammo in any FPS-genre title is like dying of thirst in a rainforest - it almost never happens. Unless you're an extremely poor shot, of course. Like those Viet Congs in Rambo II who can't even skin Rambo's hide using their AK-47s shot from a distance of 5 meters. Those poor Charlies. Anyway, back to the topic. As you progress and shoot up more dastardly foes and piss more metal from your gun, you will invariably always find ammo scattered conveniently everywhere to make up the ones you used; magazines on the floor, in open crates lying around, on table tops, grenades stacked next to coffee-makers, and some odd ones even hover above the ground while spinning around in a 360-Degree fashion. That is not the only surprising thing. In fact, all the bullets you pick up matches the current configuration of the guns you have in hand from the caliber to the diameter. Wow, what a coincidence! My enemies could've been smarter and got rid of all the crucial ammunition and slowly try to overrun me as I face a critical shortage of ammo.

Tip 05: First-Aid Kits do wonders to bullet wounds

No matter how many times you've been wounded, no matter how badly-shot up you are, all it takes to get you back in full fighting kick-ass mode are a few first-aid kits, also as conveniently scattered everywhere as the ammo magazines. It doesn't matter if you've been burned by napalm or gored physically until your mother would have a hard time recognizing your face, these miracle life-savers are the sole means of getting out of the particular map intact. Having over a few thousand bullets embedded in your torso accumulated by the tons of enemies you've fought through the progress of your journey doesn't seem to pose any long-term health risks either. All you do is grunt a little bit in a manly macho way, use one or two Band-Aids and cotton gauzes, and voila! your bleeding has stopped, your exposed wounds have healed and all possible germ infections have been exterminated. The best thing is, you can still use the kits even while both your hands are holding a gun akimbo.

Tip 06: Your team mates' AI is incredibly stupid

They may carry bigger guns that the ones you tote, but they're stupid. They may wear cool commando-esque outfits complete with NVGs and Kevlar helmets, but they're stupid. They claim to be sent from above to help you accomplish your mission task but most of the time all they do is block your way, stand there while a gunfight erupts, successfully trigger the alarm and get you killed in the process. Worse still are some games that actually REQUIRE you to keep a close watch on your team mates as getting a number of them killed in action puts you into Game Over mode, and your mates don't actually help lighten the situation but instead run like chickens all over the battlefield, and you have to give chase to cover them. Thankfully (some) games have fixed the problem of giving you useless team members, and some do actually prove to be useful. But the majority of games out in the market at this moment still feature dumbass commando colleagues. Therefore, never ever rely on a computer-controlled AI mate to get you out of a sticky situation.

Tip 07: The enemy's AI is incredibly perfect

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse raising the alarm due to your team mates' ineptness, the AI level for the enemy is unfortunately saddled on the other end of the scale. These guys can literally qualify for the Olympic Games' clay pigeon shooting tournament and get perfect scores. The ultimate hell ride can be seen from Medal Of Honor: Allied Assault (MOH:AA) which has a mission for you to flush out German snipers in camouflaged fatigues while the sky is raining heavily. Every nook and cranny hides a Kraut sniper and before you can see them through your own scope, their bullet is already in your head. Particularly frustrating is when you don't have the slightest notion where they are shooting from as well and yet you keep getting hit even when you're supposedly hiding behind a wall. SchaiB! Das ist nacht ein fair game spiel!

Tip 08: Your Health, Total Ammo Left and Map is conveniently laid out for you
You will always know how much ammunition you have left in your gun, and when is the most likely time you might die, and even (in some titles) know where to go although it's your first time stepping onto that alien planet. This is the unsolved mystery of HUDs (Heads-Up Displays) in every FPS game. In fact, you are even notified of how much bullets left you have in the current mag. I understand if some space Marine has his helmet feeding these electronic data display on his screen, but explain those gung-ho ones who just strut around half-naked carrying only a gun and lots of mean attitude.

Tip 09: Always aim for the head

To add more realism to the gameplay, recent FPS games have begun to feature kills by gunshot wounds to the head (ala headshot). Headshots are always the quickest way to dispose of any enemy, and this in turn saves your ammo and time, ensuring you get back just in time for tea and medals (old British phrase). Of course, just like how you aim for the flammable oil barrels, precision and dead-on-sight shots are very much required else you're gonna be spending the rest of eternity buried 6 feet under after those guys have picked your bones clean. It's a tough job being a heroic Marine "gibbing" generic repetitive monsters in alien planets, but someone's gotta do it.

Tip 10: The boss only appears at the end of the map

First of all you fight the weaklings, easily brought under control with no difficulty. Then you fight tougher enemy grunts, then even more badass types. This process repeats itself until you've used up more ammo than the entire WWII itself. Then comes the big boss, thumping mad like a pitbull looking for a chihuahua to eat since you've defeated his earlier worthless minions. The standard way of defeating a boss doesn't really vary much between titles; just shoot him a few thousand times, avoid whatever projectiles he hurls at you, and toast yourself to a glass of champagne once the campaign is over. Simple. The End.

The Ultraman Clichés : A Look Into Why His Zipper Is Visible & Other Mysteries

I have been watching Ultraman (as far as I can remember) since I was some small fry. Over the years of watching this overgrown superhero from space who battles mean rubbery monsters, a few illogics struck me. Therefore, I have compiled a list of the things I find strange about all Ultraman TV shows, hoping one day I will discover the truth behind these mysteries...

For an in-depth look at how my cousin Silent Assassin gives the answers to my conspiracy questions listed below, click here

Conspiracy #1 : You Can See His Bodysuit Zipper

The thing that breaks many the heart of a die-hard Ultraman fan upon learning the awful truth. The fact that the suspicious line running all the way down his back is clearly visible to all is the ultimate mother-of-all insults which turns off a lot of Ultraman fans. Add the hard-to-miss gloves and boots and well, there you have it; a perfect man-in-rubber-tights-and-plastic-helmet scenario, probably sweating his @$$ out filming every episode.

Conspiracy #2 : Tokyo Always Gets Targeted

It's a well-known and often-asked question; Why the heck is it always Tokyo that gets stomped to the ground, and why isn't it any other city in another foreign country? These questions have baffled many Ultraman fan for generations, as week after week another different species of monster emerges from its dark domain and starts stomping everything in sight. If it isn't Tokyo for the week then it's some other Nippon city like Kyoto, Yokohama or Osaka. Why not New York, Paris, or Berlin for a change? Is it because the monsters are racist and thus they hate destroying foreign cities?

Conspiracy #3 : Tokyo Is Rebuilt In A Week

Yet another conspiracy that continues to evade logic; The Japs must be some super-fast race with super-friggin' fast hands, 'cos here I see Tokyo being stomped to dust now, with every high-rise building and every skyscraper leveled, yet on the next Saturday at precisely 10.30 am I see the same Tokyo city in perfectly fine condition again, with nary a building out of place and not even a crack on a wall.

Conspiracy #4 : Why Rebuild When You Know It'll Be Back On Saturday?

It amazes me that the Japanese are even going to take the initiative to rebuild the whole city (not just a building) from scratch, when come Saturday morning all will be gone again in less than a standard minute. Given me, I'd just leave the city as it is after a massive monster stomp-fest for the next monster to stomp its heart out in another 6 days to come. You want to flatten our city? Go ahead, make it your own personal playground.

Conspiracy #5 : Hello, Anybody Home?

Usually in the first few minutes the monster has its field day tearing apart the apartments, the skyscrapers, people's bungalows and such. But notice carefully and you'll see that NOBODY is always in at the moment. Seriously speaking, the houses are always devoid of any human existence. The only rationale explanation that I can give is that the population has fled once again upon seeing the monster who is always punctual for its work at 10.30 am.

Conspiracy #6 : Talk About Low Cost Houses

While the monster smashes a house, notice that the walls do not break apart like as though it were made out of bricks and mortar; rather they splinter and occasionally blow up with traces of syrofoam and plywood. So what the hell is going on? Is it my eyes deceiving me or are those houses carved suspiciously out of cardboard and syrofoam and Ultraman plus the monster are actually two grown men in stinking rubber suits fighting on a stage set?

Conspiracy #7 : The Japanese Government Has Too Much Cash To Burn

Believe me when I tell you the Japanese government has too much cash to burn. When you see how the millions are poured into Tokyo city or [Insert Any Other Japanese City here], you'll be shaking your head in disbelief. To rebuild a monster-prone city is akin to throwing the money into a monsoon drain. The officials would have more entertainment by starting a bonfire and shoveling the money in.

Conspiracy #8 : The Monster Attack Team (MAT) Is Composed Of Morons

Ah yes, Japan's only last line of defence, and the nation's last hope... and it is comprised of morons who can't even tell their left hand from their right. These are the same bunch of morons who will be responsible to stop the monster's advances further inland. No wonder the monsters chose to attack Japan week after week. If I were a monster, Tokyo would be on top of my list too! Think of it; free human sushi, free Toyotas to flatten and those excellent Japanese girls to abduct en masse, and there's nothing the MAT can do with their puny weapons should Ultraman decide to do a no-show for the week, speaking of which...

Conspiracy #9 : The Weapons Used By The MAT Are Designed By Morons

No offence to the engineers who worked hard to design impressive-looking weapons for the MAT team, but personally, I think that those big guns, the dashing pistols and the futuristic planes that the team members have at their disposal are wasted. Big time. They may look big, shiny and impressive, but getting them to break a monster's fingernail is another problem. The same applies to their overly-modified cars; those junks with an occasional big laser turret affixed on top of them is practically useless. What happens every time is that one of the MAT members zap the monster with the turret (or gun, plane, whatever) and the resulting smoke and explosions that follow merely irritates the monster. No real harm done to the monster. In fact you could throw a brick at it and stand a better chance of killing it compared to the heavy weaponry featured. Is this what the government is spending the taxpayers' money on?

Conspiracy #10 : The Monsters Are Equally Dumb Morons

It has never occurred to the monsters en masse that if they appeared all 10 at once to battle Ultraman, they can be assured that Ultraman's @$$ would be kicked more times than a football would in its life span. Probably their brains aren't very developed (hence the mad flailing of hands and growls instead of proper monster language) or perhaps it's the fact that they have pig fat for muscles and a carrot stick for a brain. (Glances at monster fighting Ultraman). Nah, make that two carrot sticks.

Conspiracy #11 : Nobody Suspects Who Ultraman Really Is

Yet another piece of evidence suggesting the people that make up the MAT team aren't very bright individuals; whenever a monster appears from thin air and starts trashing Tokyo all over, they are all summoned to the battlefront. Then, when the team is busy firing their useless thaser guns at the monster, our hero quietly slips away to do the macarena dance in order to change into Ultraman. And while our hero engages the alien monster, the team looks on with awe but yet they never seem to notice that the main hero (now as Ultraman) is the only one missing, and when all is over and he appears before them, they ask him where he's gone to and he answers he had to answer the call of nature, upon which everybody believes and takes it without much questions asked. Once or twice might be forgivable, but EVERY episode?

Conspiracy #12 : The Voice-Over Dubbings Are Horrendous

If there were anything far stinkier than the lousy script, the lame acting and the clichéd fighting moves, it has got to be the voice-dubbings. Bloody hell irritating. This is noise pollution at its worst. The lines are corny, the pitch is squeaky-high like a rodent having sex, and the voice usually belongs to some bratty-looking boy who is light years away from hitting puberty, and oh, the voice sounds suspiciously girly-like. Before leaving, Ultraman should do us a favor and zap that boy (who usually only appears at the last few scenes) along with his over-the-top sexy mum with his Specium Ray. Only then will the safety of our ears be guaranteed. Erm... actually you can spare the sexy mum. We only want to see the little boy decimated.

Conspiracy #13 : The Population Doesn't Get Pissed-Off With The Destruction

Likewise, as Ultraman struggles to send the "Monster of the Week" to kingdom come, I'm sure in the process he (Ultraman) will knock over a few buildings, flatten a few houses and wreck some expensive sports cars. The pair do the tango for a few more jigs before Ultraman unleashes his "Super-T-light-that-decimates-everything-in-sight" combo. All's well after that and the big guy goes back to space. Fine with me, except that now Tokyo city is nothing more than a solid mass of smouldering bricks and twisted metal parts. Yet the people still smile and wave to Ultraman. No one is traumatised by the incident (I presume the people there are used to weekly monster incidents) nor are there anyone pissed with Ultraman for having something to do with destroying their houses and Mitsubishis as well. Nope, life is good. :p

Conspiracy #14 : Ultraman Only Fights At The Last Minute

Ultraman appears from the dust. First few minutes he gets trashed like mad. Both Ultraman and big scary rubber monster do the tango. Crush buildings. Flatten houses. No one complains. More tango. More houses and buildings vanish to dust. Beeper on Ultraman's chest starts to blink and emit weird sound. That's the signal to fight back. Left hook. Right hook. Monster spurts blood. Ultraman emits Specium Ray. Monster blows up into a million pieces. Ultraman flies away. End of story.

Conspiracy #15 : The Whole Thing Is A Big, Fake Set-Up Conspiracy

It doesn't take a genius to see that the whole damn thing is a big, fake set-up meant to trick pre-pubescent kids into believing that there is ACTUALLY a 130-foot superhero with salted duck eggs for eyes duking it out with a rubberized monster just a few countries away from his own. I mean come on, if Ultraman were to fight with some alien monster hell-bent on taking over Tokyo (for whatever reasons it has, I dunno) on a regular basis, shouldn't there we at least feel some earthquakes hitting our country generated by the dancing pair every Saturday morning?

Epilogue

So there you have it, the red-and-silver superhero who comes from space, battling different variety of monsters Saturdays after Saturdays, the staple diet of healthy television for those born in the 80s. Of course, much of Ultraman has remained unchanged, but personally I think it would be better if the producers start replacing those fake laser blow-ups and clean monster exploding deaths with severed limbs, bloody guts, vomit, and yes, lots of foul-language cursing between our Ultra hero and the monster. After all, with today's redundant violence from those wrestling and reality TV shows, Ultraman has to adapt in order to win back a larger fanbase too. :P Don't blame me, blame television :P

The Return Of The Jedi King

[ Originally Posted On February 19th 2004 ]


PROLOGUE
At lassst, I have finally watched the preciousss movie. Watching the preciousss marksss the end of the Lord of The Ring trilogy, and thisss in turn, marksss the very firssst complete Trilogy I have watched in the cinemasss for my entire life.

The Matrix trilogy doesss not count becaussse I misssed the firssst Matrix film. That will be a life-long missstake that 'll never be able to forgive myssself, for the firssst Matrix movie wasss the bessst of all the three...

Enough of Gollum'sss talk, eh preciousss?

Okay, enough of that talk already. Makes my hair stand on its ends, and it reminds me of a very annoying little bratty girl named Ying Ling, who has always got nothing better to do than to come to my Blog and bombard anti-JDream slogans (Read the tagboard on your right and you'll understand why.) :p

That was just a bit of anti Ying-Ling sarcasm (*blek*), nothing much, not to be taken seriously; it was meant as half-time refreshments. Anyway, back to our topic; now the excuses that I can give you pertaining why I only watched LOTR (Lord of The Rings for those of you who have spent the last 20 years living life under a rock) is due to the fact that I like to watch movies when there're not too many people sitted around me. Call me unsociable but socializing has no place in the cinema, especially when you're trying hard to listen what Agent Smith, I mean err, Elrond has to say to Mr. Frodoson. (Matrix anyone?)

* * * * * * * * * *

Note from JDream: This section has got absolutely nothing to do with LOTR, just a mini entry concerning various cinema-goer characteristics.

ANNOYING TYPES OF CINEMA IDIOTS LISTED IN DETAIL
1. People who are either born with a set of iron teeth or maybe they just like to chomp down on anything. Making a bit of noise when you're eating popcorn is okay but seriously, do you have to make such a ruckus? It feels like sitting next to a nuclear explosion everytime you munch heavily on popcorn and whatnots. Before you know it, the armrest next to you has been chewed to bits, courtesy of Mr. Eat-It-All.

2. Smart-ass wannabe Ah Bengs who just have to explain every details in the movie to their Ah Lien girlfriends every 5 minutes or so in the loudest of voice decibles the human ear can pick up (dude, if your girlfriend is that stupid and deaf, I suggest you leave her behind the next time you come and watch a movie).

3. Chair and seat quakers; these breed of people take the word "earthquake" to a higher level. What they like to do is just slouch in their chairs, rest their legs against your seat, and merrily shake away like a broken motor, and expect you to thank them for that unwanted massage.

4. Cellphone idiots who keep on receiving calls every now and then, then babble away non-stop for half an hour before finally shutting his pie-hole up, only to receive another call after five minutes into the movie. Go out and wait for your stupid precious calls if they're that important!

5. Annoying Aunties (not really referring to my aunt, just a Malaysian slang for those 40-something year old loudmouthed, petty, fussy women) who sit next to you and keep on going "Ee yeerh", "Yorrrh, so many!", "Fui yoh", and "Tsk tsk" whenever Frodo steps on dirty stuff, a billion Orcs gathering outside Minas Tirith, the heroes fighting valiantly, and some tragedy occurs respectively. Once or twice is tolerable; not a billion times. Loud some more... Ai yoh, auntie, don't so loud-lah. I'm trying to watch movie one-lah. Tsk tsk.

Aah, idiotic cinema-goers; every cinema's bound to have at least one of the above listed...

* * * * * * * * * *

After the movie ended (3 hrs 20 minutes painfully long with a full bursting bladder), I couldn't help but wonder about the potential loopholes in the movie and the entire trilogy. The movie was great! The battle scenes of Minas Tirith was every multimedia specialist's dream come true. Breathtaking fight choreographies, excellent backdrops of New Zealand, and gut-spilling violence, what a memorable movie it made! But I still couldn't help but think of some of the flaws in the overall trilogy, so, as I was happily pissing away in the men's room, a few questions concerning "why" and "why didn't they" came into my mind...


WHY DIDN'T IT HAPPEN THIS WAY? Q'S AND A'S ABOUT LOTR

Q: Why didn't The Fellowship ride upon the big eagles all the way to Mt. Doom in the first place? It would have saved them so much trouble. - Curious
A: Hell yeah, and it wouldn't be a trilogy no more; there won't be any Gollum, no Battle of Helm's Deep, no Battle of Minas Tirith follow-up, Boromir wouldn't have to die so tragically, and Frodo wouldn't have a sword poked through him. The way I see it, it would happen this way; the whole movie would only last 45 minutes, with the entire Fellowship arriving at Mt. Doom in less than half an hour, courtesy of the eagles. It would take roughly 5 minutes for Frodo to throw the Ring into the fire, 5 more minutes for sobs and hugs, and the last 5 minutes for the journey flight home, just in time for dinner and EPL Saturday Nite Match between Manchester United and Arsenal. Ditto.

Q: So it didn't happen that way, so then if Gandalf's a wizard, why didn't he ever use his magical wizardry powers in the Battle of Minas Tirith? I have never seen him use his powers before.- Hairy Pouter & The Sorcerer's Kidney Stone
A: Like I said, if that happened, the Battle of Minas Tirith would only last 5 minutes, with Gandalf appearing briefly for 2 minutes, and then proceed to mumble inanities for a minute or so, and the remaining time would be used to hurl lightning bolts from his staff and rain brimstones onto the helpless Orcs down below. Human footsoldier casualties would drop to less than 0.1% and the only things destroyed are the Orcs and their equipment. Mr. Jackson would have saved a lot of movie production costs and Mr. Gandalf would have saved a lot of human asses.

Q: Why did the boat landings at Osgiliath where the Orcs poured out onto the city when the ramps were dropped look like a scene from Saving Private Ryan's D-Day Omaha Beach landings? - Capt. Miller
A: I dunno, probably Mr. Tolkien himself got inspired by the actual events (remember that this book was written some 9 years after WWII, and some certain events might have given him some inspiration for his novel). But instead of the good guys invading the besieged bad guys as it was in WWII, Mr. Tolkien had probably turned it the other way around, with the good guys being sieged. The only things missing / different were the MG-42s used by the German Wehrmachts to mow down the invading US soldiers on the beach. Add those machineguns in "Return of the King" and you'll have Faramir et al mowing down Orcs by the hundreds in a one-sided, unchallenged melee.

Q: Okay, fine. Now explain why at the Battle of Minas Tirith the scene where the Olliphaunts appear out of the dust is almost similar to the Battle of Hoth scene in Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back where a few Imperial AT-ATs materialised out from the fog. - Luke Warmwater & Dork Vader
A: Well, I'm not sure if this is true, but some people say that Mr. George Lucas did Star Wars after reading this novel, and the Battle of Hoth is kinda similar to what you see in "Return of the King". Hint: What is the name of the sixth episode in the Star Wars trilogy (Star Wars Episode VI)? If you can guess it, then you would say that the name is not much different from Return of The King too. And in the movie (ROTK), notice the way how one of the Olliphaunts (no prizes for guessing from which non-fictional land animal this name was inspired from) fall down when it dies; doesn't it resemble the Imperial AT-AT's fall after getting its 4 legs harpooned and tied? Go figure.

Q: Why is it that any bad Orcs fighting a standard human footsoldier will most likely have a 70% winning ratio over the human, but if 10 of them Orcs gang up together to fight a hero, they always lose no matter what? - Ogre Hunter
A: Dude, are you new to movies and stuff like that? The hero always wins, no matter what. It doesn't make a difference if 10 Orcs or a 100 Orcs do battle with him. It all boils down to the "good-will-prevail-over-evil" mindset and the director. It's all part and parcel of movie tradition. Even if on the set you're a better swordsman than Gimli, if the director says you lose to Gimli, you lose. Do I make myself clear? So if you're an Orc, here's a piece of advice; if whenever in battle a hero challenges you to fight him, politely decline, because you know that if you fight a melee with him, you lose 100% altogether. Tell the hero that you'd rather take your chances with a normal footsoldier where the chances are even. This goes to show too how badly humans fight against hordes of Orcs, whereas the heroes can kill an entire platoon without breaking a fingernail.

Q: How come Sauron didn't make himself a back-up Ring in case the unimaginable happens? If he did, this whole mess wouldn't have happened and he wouldn't have to search so frantically all over for the one Ring. - Einstein
A: Yep, and no one would be able to defeat him again. Darkness shall rule forever, and those who dare to oppose him using the original Ring will eventually perish, since no one but him can harness the evil powers of the Ring. Humans will fall, as will dwarves and elves. At that time, staying alive will be a full-time job for time to come, even for the heroes themselves. In time, everything on Earth that resembles a ring or has a hole in the middle of it will be evil; things such as wedding rings, donuts, tyres and tyre tubes, hula hoops etc. Even eating onion rings will turn you into Smeagol.

Q: How come Eowen could kill The Nazgul King in ROTK? I thought they said that no living man could ever kill him? Is this some kind of a rip-off? - Bewildered
A: Nope. This ain't some rip-off; it just goes to show how courageous and important girls are in battle. Without her, no one could have tackled The Nazgul King. Poor wimp died under the sword bore by a woman. It also serves as a reminder that girls make excellent fighters with a trick or two under their sleeves. It wasn't meant to be a sexist issue. You go, girls! That Nazgul guy should have realised his flaw in his genes before going to battle; he's female intolerant! When they said no living man could kill him, they didn't say no living females could finish the job off either!

Q: Whatever became of Saruman? The last we heard of him in ROTK was we know that he locked himself up in the tower of Isengard, guarded by Treebeard the Ent. - LOTR Fanatic
A: Sorry, I don't have a complete answer for this one. Judging by what I know, he might spend the rest of his life locked away in his pitiful tower, eating rats and gruel, and felt very sorry he was ever cruel (hey, that rhymes!) to everybody, growing older by the day (he's already old! How much more older can he get?) and just disappearing into the shadows. So don't be surprised if you see him in your local neighbourhood one day, doing community work. He's probably making up for all his past evil deeds. Or maybe he just got a job over at the Dark Side in Star Wars : Episode III as Count Saruman, I mean err, Dooku.

Q: If the Undead (in ROTK) sought by Aragorn to aid him in battle cannot be killed, then why the heck didn't they enlist their services earlier and save their human counterparts from unnecessary death? - Zombie Nation
A: Well, in order to keep up with tradition, there must be people dying and such so that the circle is complete. It's like yin and yang, if you get what I mean. There must be an equal amount of good guys dying in order to balance the whole movie. If there's a fight and it drags on and on and the only people getting killed are the bad ones, something is seriously wrong here. Either the evil villain has enlisted thousands of worthless minions that just stand there and take the beating, or it's something in the food that the good guys eat to make them fight so well. Therefore as you can see, invincible undeads can only finish up the job; mortal humans have the pleasure of being in the first wave when the attack commences, and along the way, a few hundred die in order to make the losses on both sides even.

Q: Agent Smith cloned many people into his likeness in The Matrix : Reloaded. How come I don't see more Agent Smiths and why isn't Frodo and Sam cloned into an agent too? And where are the bullet-time scenes that The Matrix offers as its trademark? I didn't see any bullet-time scenes so far yet. - Mr. Anderson
A: You're in the wrong cinema. This is The Lord of The Rings : The Return of The King. Hugo Weaving plays Elrond here, not Agent Smith. He's Smith in The Matrix, not Lord of the Rings. LOTR does not, I repeat, does not have bullet-time special-effect scenes. Only Matrix movies have this kind of original SFX. The Matrix : Revolutions is in Cinema 15. This is Cinema 16. Go next door.

Q: There was a girl with very long, jet-black hair coming out of the television in the first movie. How come in this movie there's only fighting, fighting, and more fighting? I don't see any girl with extremely long hair covering her face coming out of the TV, why's that? - Horror Fanatic
A: You're referring to The Ring, this is Lord of The Ring, not The Ring 2 movie that you want. That movie ended its run a long time ago in the cinemas, so go buy yourself a pirated DVD and shut up! Besides, there are no TVs during Frodo and Sam's era. Stop being so stupid! That's it, I'm ending the Q and A session now...

END OF LOTR Q AND A SESSION


EPILOGUE

So, there you have it... Finally finished the Trilogy on the 17th February 2K4 itself, but was too lazy to write about it until today, Thursday, 4 days after the fever died down. Now as I write this, I still can't help but laugh over Annoying Auntie's antics (please refer to "Annoying Types of Cinema Idiots Listed In Detail, No.5" for the full story.

I'm amazed that Return of The King can hold its own against so many others for a total of ten weeks strong (as per 17th Feb 2K4). Peter Jackson has certainly given us something to be proud of for generations to come; how many of us can actually claim to be there in cinematic history when Aragon drew out the sword Anduril in ROTK? Or when Neo fulfilled his destiny at the Machine City in The Matrix Revolutions? Or even as Tobey Maguire swung from skyscraper to skyscraper as Spiderman? Nothing beats being in the generation where 2 great trilogies hit the silver screen...

Thank you Mr. Jackson for the visual entertainment that will last for eons to come.

Official LOTR site