The Spirit Of Unsportsmanship

I was watching the Olympics the other day when they showed those 4 x 100m events of the past years, and suddenly I was reminded of my own sad, terrible tragedy which took place more than a decade ago...

I was a bright-eyed, naive and innocent boy then (and still am now), and it was the annual School Sports Day. We'd specially rented the Bukit Jalil Staduim for this special event. Apart from the mundane long jumps, high jumps, and goodness-knows-what-else-would-jump, there was the 4 x 100m relay, with four gold medals to be awarded to the winning team.

Tensions ran high, naturally. I was one of those asked to represent the Red Team, for whatever the reason was known only to God. I wasn't particularly a person you would call a fast sprinter. I mean, I even had enough difficulty running after the ice-cream truck, and they're just placing me in there? They'd probably have more luck predicting the 4 winning lottery digits. Granted, all I had was height, and I might have excelled better in NBA, but that's another story for another fine, sunny day.

On that particular day, the four of us were asked to get ready, and the coach handed us our team uniforms - nothing more than simple cotton t-shirts tinged with a healthy dose of Communist Red. I loathe that shirt. Don't even get me started on the sporting event logo. Fast forward 2 hours, and there we were, all set on the sprint track. With four teams comprising four runners each plus the respective coaches made around twenty-plus individuals on the grounds.

As each team huddled together to receive their last words of wisdom, our coach broke the news to us: there was going to be a reshuffling of each runner's position. I was scheduled to run third, but was now placed last, due to an unwise decision made by our bumbling coach. She reckoned that the guy originally schedule to run after my turn would give our team the upper hand should he run first in front of me. Big mistake. No sooner than that, all of us got ready to sweat it out and burn rubber on the grids, and perhaps tear a hamstring or two for those unfortunate enough to get it. As I was in fourth position, there was nothing much that I could do except sit down, and prayed that my first runner had taken enough steroids not to fall behind the rest.

With the shot fired, it boiled down to a test of strength versus will, muscle against muscle, and the doped versus the undoped while the crowd went wild. Our guy made the mark and he passed the baton to the second dude. The latter chalked up a pretty good record too and the baton made its way into the third fella's hand. He was off like a speeding bullet. That was when all the innocence of my childhood began fading away, and the ugly realities of life started to beat the snot out of me.

At first, things looked good, but then later somehow Mr. Third Runner seemed to slow down, and the remaining two sprinters from opposing teams quickly caught up with him, eventually passing him by. By the time I received the baton, all three runners from the other teams were already almost halfway around the bloody track. I tried my best to keep pace with them, but it was no use. I even tried to visualize that ice-cream truck in front of me to allow myself some encouragement to run faster, but even the phantom ice-cream man, with his neatly-pressed white uniform complemented with a black bow tie, poked his head out of the imaginary ice-cream truck and laughed at me.

By now, the three earlier sprinters had already completed the race, and were sitting around the track resting their worn-out muscles, eyes on me. I was only at the halfway mark, no thanks to the third guy's inept running skills. What could've turned out to be my finest hour now lay in shambles, as the crowd, now impatient, started booing me in unison. They were obviously tired of waiting for the race to end, and the sight of one lone runner going for broke amused them, or probably angered them, or both. I don't know. To be booed is one thing, and to be faulted for other people's ineptness and idiocy is another.

I finally reached the finishing line, and for a moment there I swore I caught a glimpse of my coach giving me her disapproving stare. What did I do wrong anyway? But there was no time for that as my tired muscles, poorly-trained for this event, eventually gave way and I tumbled down onto the track. No one came to my aid nor help me up to the locker room. Those pretty young female nurses which were abundant all around the stadium one moment were gone the next. I was left to simmer and bake under the afternoon sun. So much for taking one for the team. The next year, requests for me to make an appearance for the sprinting team once more were met with replies of "Get lost!" and "You'll never take me alive!", echoed by me.

2006: A Boleh-land Odyssey

grav·i·ty [grav-i-tee] - Noun, Plural -
1. the force of attraction by which terrestrial bodies tend to fall toward the center of the earth.
2. heaviness or weight.
3. a required force, which, in the absence of, renders activities such as spinning tops, painting batiks, playing batu seremban and making teh tarik impossible.

My country's done it again! According to one Datuk Rohani Abdul Karim, our country's astronauts will fly up to space to do what no one has done before - play children's games.

Somebody please tell me it isn't true and that she's just been watching too much space opera movies like Star Wars, Star Trek and the likes of it where all the spaceships have built-in gravitational hyperdrives.

I don't know, but the last time I checked, gravity didn't yet make its presence felt in outer space. While you're on the subject, why not ask our two "astronuts" (I intended that) to look for E.T?

Someone with the mental capability of a 3-year old can ACTUALLY get a post in our national space agency department? It's disturbing to know that she might not even have passed her UPSR in the first place. I'm not a rocket scientist (no pun intended) and I know what to anticipate already when the top starts a-spinning in that space station. The Russians must be laughing at us right now. In case you didn't realise it yet, dear Datuk Rohani, should you attempt to play that forementioned batu seremban in a zero-gravity environment, that piece of crappy batu won't come down again once you fling it up. That's because there's NO FRICKING GRAVITY UP THERE!!!

But on a gentler note, I do understand the difficulties of you grasping the theory of zero-gravity, and therefore since Christmas is coming, perhaps I could suggest a few books for you to read while spinning that gasing in space :-

01: How The Apple Discovered Gravity by Sir Isaac Newton
Includes detailed explanation of how gravity was discovered way back during the 17th Century. To capture the reader's attention, lots of colorful illustrations and doodles of Sir Isaac Newton are also to be found within. For ages 10+ and above.

02: Gravity For Idiots
By omitting complicated and hard to understand sentences such as "logically", this book is every gravity learner's beginner dream come true. With over 200 colorful pages printed on glossy paper, it takes the reader back to the time when gravity was not understood. A must for any space agency wannabe. For children aged 5+ and above.

03: Let's Learn About Gravity!
An even more easy-to-understand book stripped down to its bare facts about gravity. Words such as "therefore" and "in conclusion" are taken out, instead focusing solely on the apple and Mr. Newton. As an added plus for slow learners, the reader can also pull a paper lever to activate the mock-up scenario of the apple falling onto the latter's head. Facts and FAQs regarding whether or not teh-tariks can be made while suspending oneself in outer space is also answered. Hint: the answer is no. Sorry to disappoint those who thought the answer was yes. For ages 3+ and up.

04: Alphabet Science Adventures: G Is For Gravity
The simplest book to understand what gravity is so far. There are only ten important recurring words in the fifteen glossy pages - "gravity", "apple", "you", "are", "an", "idiot" being the only main sentences stated more than twice. For toddlers aged 1+ and beyond.

No wonder my country is the butt of jokes all the time. Happy New Year! Thanks for wasting my hard-earned money via taxes.

Trivia:
01: The title is a play on the movie "2001: A Space Odyssey.
02: None of the books listed in above exists... yet.
03: It costs RM95 million per astronaut just to send him to space.
04: The government is already planning for space adventures and a Moon landing by the year 2020 when back on Earth in their own country the roads are still in very bad conditions. Talk about irony.

Malaysians In Truth Are A Courteous Lot

Yeah sure, and I'm the next President of the United States of America. Now that you've stopped laughing, perhaps we can look into this courtesy matter seriously. For your information Kuala Lumpur was rated the third rudest city in the world based on a survey conducted by Reader's Digest. Surprising? Hardly. The burning question whether Malaysians really are that rude can be assessed via the following simple Rude Score© list :-

1. When someone accidentally elbows you or steps on your shoes (no matter where), they'll always pretend not to have the slightest inkling of what just transpired, instead preferring to either looking away or just be plain nonchalant. Not even a damn word of apology. Worse offenders in this category are those that look back at you with a smirk on their faces, as though they've throughly enjoyed that little shoe-stepping process. I would be glad to jam their shoes up their anus and give them back a kindly, friendly smirk. (Rude Score = 1)

2. You're in a Government-run department and you've been there since 6am, yet no one shows any signs of concern to finish processing your documents so that you can attend to more urgent matters. No. What they do is to come in late, bitch for one hour before attempting to start work, furbish you with wrong information and send you on a wild goose chase. Reprimand them and you'll have just bought yourself a ticket to No-Serviceland. That's Hell in other words. (Rude Score = 2)

3. Upon checking out from a store or shop, you pay for your goods and you expect at least a simple "Thank You", which, judging from all logic should not cost the other person more than 3 calories to mutter. You don't even expect a smile, just a simple thanks. As you've already guessed it, you receive none. You thank the cashier in return because deep down in your heart you know that she has a tough job. However, the rule of thanking someone has to be implemented. Malaysians fail again. (Rude Score = 3)

4. You're on the road driving casually when suddenly a loud-blaring car with ridiculous modifications and fugly stickers comes from nowhere and tailgates you. This is the standard Malaysian way of telling you to move over because he's in a hurry to die. You oblige with his death wish and let him in front of you. No sooner than that when he's in full view of you his right hand pops out of the window and up comes his middle finger, an unpleasant universal sign language that applies to all walks of life. It really pisses you off. The worse thing is you never got the chance to see his car flip over and explode into flames, trapping him inside. I want to roast marshmellows over his piss-ugly charring corpse. (Rude Score = 4)

5. On the other hand, you can also be driving on the same stretch of road but this time you encounter slow drivers. By slow I mean by the time you travel a hundred meters you've already turned 80 and have five grandchildren sitting in the back seat of your car. Your skin is exposed to the sun for so long that you wonder if you've acquired dermal cancer in the process. These breed of motorists just sit in their cars, drive at Negative 20 mph and have this smile on their faces that makes you want to punch them square in the kisser. Things are not looking well for our courtesy chart. (Rude Score = 5)

6. At the Light Rail Transit station, you're patiently waiting for the train to arrive. All around you, like-minded individuals are bunched together, with only a single thing in their mind - get on the train quick and to hell with the others. Such a thinking is not uncommon amongst Malaysians, given the humid climate and the Malayasis Homogenus evolution through this 50 years of independence. Just as the train comes to a halt and the doors slide open, it's a mad rush for survival as every orang-utan and babi hutan in the crowd makes a concerted dash in an attempt to secure a place inside before the door closes and they have to wait for the next train. You are hapless against this human tsunami, and those from inside the train getting out have it the worst; the exit is practically sealed by hordes of orang-utans and wild boars. Sympathetic cries of "Please, don't push!" goes unheeded. The number of shoes crushed in this stampede is known otherwise only to God. Malaysia Boleh !!! (Rude Score = 6)

7. At the bookstore, you're in the midst of selecting a few favourite titles when you suddenly see a young mother with her three dipshit offsprings going through a mountainpile of magazines, tearing them out of their protective plastic covers and handling them like how a gorilla would handle paper in the zoo, despite the clear sign hanging above that no one should take the magazines out of their covers without the assistance of a bookstore personnel. The three Hell-incarnate brats are not much better; they scream and run all over the place, disturbing people in general and pissing off individuals like me. Once the young mum has finished reading them, she just leaves without any intention of buying them in the first place. Worse, the pile of magazines are just left on the nearest accessible table. Her children has also gotten their hands on some, resulting in numerous torn pages etc. This is the general mentality of respect most Malaysians have towards books, just something cheap, worthless and is often seen as knowledge replaceable with a sum of money. No wonder many in this country grow up to be ignorant, straight-As-only academic achiever yet knows crap about common sense. (Rude Score = 7)

8. The number of things in your hand is sheer amazing - you've just finished your shopping and is now on the way to the carpark. To get there one needs to go through a few doors and at least a lift. You reach the first door, and in front of you there is a young teenager in skanky cheapslut clothings going through the door. On any normal day when your hands are unoccupied doors prove no challenge to you. But today trying to push through a glass door proves to be MI:4. So you hope that the teen would at least have some decent manners to keep the door open for a few seconds. The whole act does not even require ten calories to perform. However, the same teen (whether it's a he or she I'll leave it to you) just lets go of the door even as it's obvious you're just behind. Without even a hint of remorse, that skanky teen goes back to SMS-ing and any other thing that defines these kind of shallow individuals with no life. Another point bites the dust. (Rude Score = 8)

9. If you have children, chances are you might have waited at the school compound outside occasionally to wait for your child. Sensible types would not have parked their vehicles directly in front of the gates or at the side of the road which would inconvenienced everyone. But no, somehow or the other something has gone wrong along our line of human evolution and there is this specific breed of parent which would insist on placing their cars jutting out so terribly that half the road is blocked, but in most cases the whole road is blocked. Just due to one malfunctioning brain, cars on both sides are unable to pass by, and the same individual with that prized golden retarded brain would see to it that no one gets to leave or go until his or her own offspring is safely in their car (usually some SUV or Beemer. They just have to show off). These, I believe, are the same kind of people who would gladly tear out magazines from their covers and teach their children to embrace kiasuism. What is just so wrong about parking your car in a designated spot, wait at the gates and then walk with your child to the car? No wonder small kids of this age are piddly-asses. All of them. (Rude Score = 9)

10. Talking on the cellphone loudly and interrupting people around you is certainly not something anyone would like to go through, yet some do that. Perhaps they find it amusing. I think it'll be funnier if somehow by some strange chance you find your same cellphone mysteriously lodged up the crack of your ass. Then there are those which light up in public places, despite the sign prohibiting smoking. Stupid? No. Screwed-up? Nay. Dipshit? Yes. Many do not find it pleasant to suddenly get a whiff of white fag smoke swirling around them and increasing their chances of getting cancer. The worst offenders in this category are those who smoke their fags in air-conditioned areas such as shopping malls and the likes of it. I would really much like to wish you all into the cornfield for this. Sad score tally-up. (Rude Score = 10)

There you have the few given examples above. In truth there are many more points to be debated about Malaysian people's sense of rudeness, but that might take up the whole of Blogger's server space. I kid you not.

Maybe the Government should start printing out posters instead with the words "Kurang Asam Adalah Budaya Kita" and show a few of our own people dressed in traditional culture wear with their middle fingers raised towards the reader.

An Interview With The Datuk

Koala Lumpy: It is official; the price of petrol and diesel has gone up once more, and for the first time ever in Malaysian history it is raised a shocking staggering 30 cents per litre. This means that for owners whose cars run on RON 97 (which is almost 99.9% of the automobiles on Malaysian roads) they will have to pay MYR1.92 per litre starting from today onwards. Madness, indeed.

We at the Moon Newspaper had the chance to interview Datuk at his residence yesterday itself. During the 2-hour long interview, many questions were posed to him as we believe that most of the rakyat are still in the dark even as of press time.

"Now Datuk, perhaps we can start with the explanation on why a 30-cents increase this time? It will most certainly burden the average wage-earner, taking into consideration assuming that he has a 1.5-litre car, a double-storey terrace house and old parents to support, not yet accounting for the food and definitely the petrol. Of course it is clear that if he is married with children the amount of money that has to be spent will be even more significant."

"Oh that. Well you see, But do remember, I have always used this excuse everytime we see a price hike in petrol, and I will say it again - the price of petrol here is cheaper compared to other countries like Singapore, Thailand, etc. We should be grateful for that. Since the government has subsidised so much for the past half a year, it is only understandable that sooner or later the rise in petrol prices is inevitable. But I promise, no more petrol price hikes for this year... but come 2007 I dare not comment-lah."

"Yes we agree Datuk. Petrol here IS cheaper than other countries, but salary-wise in comparison with the rest of the countries stated perhaps we could suggest that almost all of us are trapped in a situation whereby our wages do not increase in proportion with the rising cost of day-to-day living? People in Singapore easily out-earn us; getting a salary equivalent to MYR1,200 per month for a normal private sector executive is a laughing bar joke."

"Ah yes that, but you see, the money from all this will be channeled into upgrading the public transportation system. In the long run, this will be a benefit for all of the rakyat. Isn't this a very good win-win situation? How can you compare salaries with our neighbour? We should never make any comparisons, else we would never be happy. No no."

"Upgrades? What upgrades Datuk, if we may inquire? Most of the citizens still take smelly, dirty buses, and you can hardly feel the air-conditioning in them, which leaves passengers sweating and gasping for air. According to a poll, the situation offered by KTM isn't much of a good bargain as well, with trains running late periodically. What are your views on that, Datuk?"

"I knew sooner or later this question would pop up. Well, as you can see we are conducting a hi-tech project to come out with a new top-secret addition to our already-existing public transportation system. We are working with top local scientists to produce something that looks like a cross between a public bus and a common LRT train. We call it "The Hover-LBT" or "Hover-Light Bus Transporter". As you can see from this artist's concept impression, it has the front look of an LRT, the wings of an F-14 Tomcat, and the inside design of a normal bus for maximum capacity seating. The tyres have been done away with and in place are six powerful Pegasus hover-turbine engines; the same ones used in the Hawker-Siddely Harrier fighter jet."

"We see. But Datuk, we are an oil-producing nation, so why are we still paying more? What about Petronas? According to one local blog, many common people wished that the government ministers would come and take the public transport with them, Datuk, just so they can experience for themselves how it's like. Also, why the hush-hush cover ups and not informing the rakyat 2-3 days ahead so that they can brace themselves for this day of reckoning?"

"I thought Malaysians love surprises? That was the reason why we planned such a great and complex surprise for the rakyat jelata in the first place. We thought that announcing it the same old boring way would get pretty dull soon. Ever since we gave you guys that big surprise, this issue's all over the newspapers everyday, and it's rampant in public especially at mamaks and coffeeshops, and even on the streets! Don't they like this lovely surprise? Hmm, oh well I suppose not. In response to your earlier two questions, well, we don't really want to bother Petronas for their money you see; it's quite a hassle. So we've decided it's best to leave things as it is. And erm, we ministers would rather not jostle with the crowd. Not because we don't want to, you see, but it's that we'd rather let you beloved people of the public gain access to them. It's a sacrifice, and we're proud to do it."

"Ah, such noble gestures indeed. What about the plans that was supposedly to drape the pyramid of Giza in Egypt last year and that the whole thing allegedly cost RM200,000 to execute? Would it not be better if the money were to be used for further subsidies for oil?"

"Hmm that would be best explained as a way to show off, I mean err, build better relationships with the Egyptians. The price of friendship is worth the RM200,000. In fact, I can safely say that the fostered ties will run deeper than any RM200,000. So let's leave this issue here as it is. It is also considered to be money well spent if it were accomplished."

"Oh by the way Datuk, before we go, is there any chance of us getting a raise in our salaries? It's awfully hard to live on such meagre wages nowadays. A small five to six percent increase would be appreciated."

"Err, that you have to ask your respective boss and employers, why ask me-lah? I'm not the boss of you also. Well anyway, thank you for your time, goodbye." And thus ended our interview.

We also interviewed three average citizens on the street for their opinions regarding this latest price hike. Below are their comments :-

Ah Kow, 23, Student - Wah lau eh, so fast come up again ah the petrol hike? Now 30 cents some more. Getting by on a student's monthly budget is hard enough, now have to sideline an additional amount just for this. They say that death and taxes are the only sure things in life, but in Malaysia, this goes two steps further - petrol hikes and non-increase in salaries are also a sure thing for us. Malaysia Boleh!

Ali, 27, Manager - Alamak, baru naik gaji RM20 dah naik lagi harga minyak? This is not fair, I believe, for all of us. How to watch movies in cinema anymore? I don't think we can even support the DVD pirates in these hard times; instead we'll have to rely on Bittorrent. We earn a pittance, and furthermore this theory really defies Newton's Law of Gravity, in which things that go up never come down. Newton must be really spinning, not turning, in his grave right now.

Muthu, 38, Restaurant Owner - Dei macha, this time around the price hike really hit us hard-la. We cannot afford to absorb those overhead costs anymore; the price of supplies, electricity and water bills, protection money to keep the thugs away, then I heard TNB is going to raise costs as well. It's a really bad time to raise tariffs. I think I might invest in a few night-vision goggles and give one each to my employees. This way, we can save costs as well as looking like those dashing Bollywood hunks! Want a plate of mee goreng by the way? It's quite cheap, only three ringgit.

It is obviously clear that a lot of Malaysians are against this sudden unexpected raise. What confused and angered them more was the fact that the government did not give an early notice to the common folk regarding this issue. The assurance that this was the only hike for the whole year brought little consolation to many.

Therefore, it is advisable that in harsh times like this, it is only wise to spend cautiously. We at the Moon Newspaper would like to advise those who are thinking of getting new cars to hold on for the moment until further news about raises in salaries are announced. Hopefully, but not likely. You stand a higher chance at having a cuppa tea session with the Malaysian Bigfoot.-SNN

You Still Believe In 3 Cents Per Email Forwarded?

"Dear suckers. I am just some anonymous fellow suffering from yet another generic mysterious disease and I am now writing this from the hospital bed. The doctors have said that I might grow a third breast on my forehead if I can't raise enough cash for treatment soon. Anyway, all you have to do is simple; just pass this message on to the others. AOL and Uncle Gates have suddenly become somewhat generous and have agreed to pay me 3 cents for every person who receives this email. Also, Microsoft Corp. is going to reward anyone who performs the fore mentioned act of duty. It's real, no shit. My best friend's friend's friend's uncle at first dismissed this off, but later he sent a few copies out "just in case". Two weeks later a representative from Microsoft called and presented him with a cheque totalling $24,800.25. He has since quit his job and is now fishing for sperm whales off the coast of Antartica."

If you do believe the above, and still circulate these kind of emails when you receive them, I have some rather nice stuffs to sell to you at a very "affordable" price of USD25,000 apiece. No really. I'm not gonna take advantage of your naiveness. Well if you believe that too, you've proven yourself numero uno in gullibility. It's been highlighted multiple times over and over that these things are not REAL.

Oh but some are highly ignorant (I forgive the first-timers and those who have just learnt what these things are and make a point not to repeat them) and I still cannot understand why until today they forward them. Don't they know that there is absolutely no way and no such technology to track emails? Or how about failing to understand the logic why in the first place would Bill Gates and AOL give away so much money for free?

Really, it's quite appalling (and disturbing) to see that this has even spread to other sites like Friendster. I'm sure all of you remember the "so-called" message of Friendster shutting down and to counter it a user has to send it to 10/20 (the number varies) other Friendster individuals in order to ensure the server will recognize your account as active. What a bunch of baloney. An official message from the moderators of the site even appeared on every individual's Friendster start-up main menu reassuring them that the message was a hoax and that the site will never in any way shut down or delete any accounts, provided they do not breach the rules and regulations set (that means like you setting up a porno account, you dickhead). What is wrong with people nowadays? Has evolution touched upon some people and produced freaks of nature lacking a few "smart" chromosomes or perhaps it's the age-old adage of "being born without a brain"?

People, please. Do yourselves a favor - there is this site called snopes that you can actually go and verify the truth of something - and also do me a favor; stop sending me all these inane things.

7 Surplus Things I Need Urgently From Uncle Sam

Dear Santa,

I somehow think that the snail mail I sent to you via my local courier did not reach you, which explains why my Christmas stocking was devoid of a few physical items. This is what you get when you hand over your trust to a company that claims to be operating in a first-world country but with third-class mentality. However I am most thankful for the blessings that the people of this world received, which includes items like world peace (albeit temporary), food for the hungry, and the fostering of better ties amongst nations.

It's a tough world we live in - virus epidemics worldwide, darn daily traffic jams, idiotic employers, powercuts and that occasional stupid cat who loves coming into your house driveway compound and leave poo all over - and to protect my own interests, this is the wishlist I would like to forward to your attention in advance for this coming year's Christmas.

Rest assured I have been abstaining from being naughty all year round; I did not buy any pirated stuffs (only downloaded them), I managed to avoid stepping on that ant that day, and also helped a couple of old grannies to cross the street.

Item 01: Remploy Mk-IV NBC Hazard Suit

I just came back from ferrying my grandpa to the nearby clinic a few days ago and I caught hell myself - an infection of sore throat and a runny nose ten times more powerful than the Niagara. Got sick, skipped a day of work and felt pissed with the illness. I suspect it could be the deadly cocktail mix of different types of viruses and bacteria present in most clinics, floating and mingling with each other, passing on generations-old tips and tricks on how to survive even the toughest of them penicilin shots. Therefore, a NBC (Nuclear, Biological, Chemical) hazard suit complete with the M40 gas mask just like those worn during Operation Desert Storm would be nice if ever I need to fetch someone to the clinics or hospitals again. I understand that the nuclear feature would not come into use much but it would be a great addition if ever one of my neighbourhood's retarded kids somehow suddenly decided to mix plutonium and uranium together resulting in a mass nuclear meltdown.

Item 02: AN/PVS-7D Generation-III NVGs

With more and more frequent powerouts in my neighbourhood and local electric provider Tenaga Nasional being unable to give us a satisfactory explanation more and more each day, I would like to receive a pair of the night-vision goggles on the left. Groping around in the darkness just to find the Maglite© torch or the halogen headlight consumes much time and caution, not to mention sometimes the pain of bumping your toe against the coffee table leg. Candles are not much better off as well, since they also require almost the same time to hunt around for one including the lighter/matches. They use up oxygen, give out unnecessary heat, burn down eventually and plus like the conventional torchlight their range of focus is rather limited. Night-vision optics are way much more convenient, cooler than your usual candle/torchlight and gives me the upper advantage over my neighbour's retarded offsprings knowing that I can see them perfectly well in the total darkness while they can't even get a glimpse of me at all. If Gen-III isn't possible then a normal Gen-I goggle would suffice as I heard they're legal here.

Item 03: Raytheon AIM-9X Sidewinder air-to-air missiles

Let's face it - the majority of Malaysian drivers are assholes, and traffic jam here is a culture. People who are soft and gentle in real-life develop signs of "Sudden Asshole Syndrome" whenever they get behind the wheel. Driving everyday on the roads make me encounter all sorts of bullshit behaviour - Ah Bengs who cut into your lane rudely, inane tai-tais who drive big MPVs but lack the same size of brains to go along with it, road-hoggers, road bullies, insane "P" drivers, crackpot Mat Motors... you get the drift. To combat this menace, it'd be great to see my Kancil fitted with a couple of these heat-seeking missiles with replenishing stock kept in the rear boot. Like they say, just fire and forget, sit back and watch the fireworks as another useless piece of genetic waste is blown off the face of the Earth. Since we're here, could you also throw in an extra pair of launchers for my future Myvi as well?

Item 04: M18A1 Claymore anti-personnel mines

I really need to do something about those returning felines which treat housing compounds as their own personal litter box. Waking up and finding your driveway reeking of cat piss is enough to er, piss anyone off. Damn cats! For this I'll require a lifetime's worth of supplies of Claymore anti-personnel mines from you, to be planted at various points of my house area with the "front facing the enemy". I hope to be able to discourage any would-be cat-pooper from dumping their waste onto my lawn. I don't really mind scraping off blown-up cat innards off the pavement (Hey, free ball-bearings!). At least they don't smell as terrible as cat piss and feline poo. I'll turn a blind eye if it's my neighbours' yards. Not my problem anyway. These mines could also double-up as determent to any robbers or unwanted spastic neighbourhood kids turning up at my doorstep and they make nice lawn ornaments as well. Play more Claymore.

Item 05: Accuracy International Arctic Warfare Magnum sniper rifle

While cats are a nuisance in the driveway area, crows and other types of birds pose a problem in the balcony - they like to mess up the clothes hung out to dry by leaving their droppings all over them. Then we have to clean those soiled clothes once more and hang them to dry and waste precious time and resources. The following day another bunch of crows might do the same thing again (they do this to everyone in the neighbourhood). Needless to say, someone has to step up and teach them crows some toilet-training lessons via a high-caliber sniper rifle. Also good for those rapist bastards since aiming at their balls with a scope is much easier (and fun). Who needs PC FPS games when you have the real-deal, state-of-the-art rifle in your hand, scope aimed at the culprit crow? The Springfield 1903 .03 caliber would also be a replacement rifle of choice in case you've already run out of AWMs back at the North Pole.

Item 06: UH-60 Black Hawk helicopter

Okay so maybe I won't direct any Sidewinder missiles towards anyone, but still the idea of seeing someone fry in his or her car should they piss me off is kinda cool, if not exciting. In that case getting me a Black Hawk helo complete with a side-mounted Gatling minigun will do for my morning transition to the workplace (and any offices in the near future). Also, do equip the helo with an anti-RPG mechanism; I watched Black Hawk Down and I really do not wish to end up like how they did, and I'd appreciate it if the unit comes with a complimentary CD player so I can listen to Rachid Taha's "Barra Barra" during the daily flight and laugh my ass off at those still stuck in the jam. Oh yeah.

Item 07: M1A1 US Abrams tank

I am a simple man - I only go to shopping complexes when I need to buy something that I need, or perhaps to occasionally relax my mind. Of course, I dislike crowds and this can be quite bad when I find that they happen to be jamming the shop I want to go in to. With the Abrams tank, I can finally solve all my woes; just drive over the massive crowd, intimidate them, pay for what I want and ride off. The method's passed the quality check at garment stores and most of the local hypermarkets. Now it only requires to be fully operational in all sorts of shopping mall terrain to be able to withstand the waves of inane tai-tais, Ah Lians and Ah Bengs.

So, there you have it - just seven simple items to make life simpler for most of us. But of course the above won't likely materialise so I'll probably just ask for more efficiency in our public transportation system, safer neighbourhoods and streets, better salaries for all employees, cleaner drinking waters, a healthy environment and a decent cost of living. With that, everyone's happy and no one gets hurt.

Letter of Resignation: Naughty Version

I'm preparing my letter of resignation from the office since I am somewhat unhappy with the management. This is how it would hopefully look like. I'm writing two versions; one naughty, one nice.

For the nice version please look below


Dear Madam,

A very good day to you. It is with my happiest of thoughts that I have to inform you regarding my resignation from the post of Graphic Designer as of the 31st December 2005. In case you are still scratching your head wondering why, I have taken the trouble to list down the reasons below :-

1. You, my dear lady boss and CEO, are one of the most perfect couples I've ever met, complimenting each other on your combined stupidity and support my theory of the Evolution of Idiocy plus the fact that the both of you are truly one of the biggest genetic wastes in the history of Mankind. You rank in the hallways among the most evil individuals in history, alongside people such as Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, Britney Spears (and the few odd Taiwanese gay boybands) and you have an honorable place in the Museum of the Most Stupid Idiots Ever Lived. I for one cannot imagine how you two (especially you, my lady boss) can beat 25 million of your father's other sperms 30-plus years ago.

2. I still cannot understand until this very day how you can actually favor some idiot who claims to have completed his first year at some reputable art & design college majoring in industrial and graphic design and yet knows shit about Adobe PhotoShop or Adobe Illustrator. Regretfully speaking, he brings shame to the term "Graphic Designer" with his child-like mentality of artwork, laziness in figuring out how to solve his own problems at work, atrocious English, his incompetency to use simple things like Google and his inefficiency to grasp the simple theory that resizing small pictures into larger versions will result in messy, jagged edges.

3. I should enlighten and inform you that his other blatant displays of ineptness includes not knowing how to do layouts despite being an art student, not knowing how a PC functions, acts all high and mighty, and complains loudly that his PC is extremely slow, when in fact it is due to him running over a billion Yahoo Messenger chat windows simultaneously. I can safely say by now I have a higher chance of success at training a common ground squirrel to operate Adobe PhotoShop than teaching the above mentioned "Graphic Designer" who happens to be some Datuk's son that you hired who is sitting next to my cubicle how to perform his share of the workload.

4. And before I should forget, I feel it is my duty as a worker to inform my immediate superiors, no matter how high the level of idiocy they display (in this case it's referring to the both of you), that I found the Datuk's son gleefully reading erotic stories online. Personally, I do not think such acts will be viewed upon favorably by any self-respecting employers of any distinguished company.

5. Please do kindly update yourself in matters relating to computers - I really do hate it trying to save you from embarassment every time you attempt to show off how much you "know" regarding technology but end up either misunderstanding the terminologies involved or the various jargons present. For your kind information, to study the General Field of IT does not mean one is 100% well-versed in everything and anything pertaining to computers - this is why we have many branches in the IT sector. I doubt you will ever understand the difference between a spyware and a virus. You are forever doomed to be looked down upon by the others, save for your money which is the only redeeming factor which will buy you the face-saving respect of others.

For this, I must take my leave, and I thank you for the unmeasurable amount of verbal and psychological abuse you've given to me so generously that I feel I need to return the compliments gratefully. Therefore, from this day onwards, you shall exist in my dictionary as "Queen Asshole"; a very special title reserved only for the cream of the crop.

Wishing you and your company the best in all your future endeavorments. I also do hope to see you and your company bankrupt soon (which is inevitable).

Thank you and have a pleasant and productive day ahead.


Yours Sincerely,

JDream Anderson-Smith
GRAPHIC DESIGNER

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