Company Bosses From Hell
One of my best Blog entries ever :-
CHAPTER 01: I HATE MY BOSS.
Writing a Blog about my boss eh? Hmmm. I just can't find the perfect words to describe him, not because he's such a great man that when he dies people are gonna make an iron cast of him in full splendour, but rather when he dies, I'd bet they would just leave his body to the maggots.
Nah. He's not that bad; in fact, he can be worse. He's the Son of Satan, the Devil Incarnate. The ultimate of all SOB bosses. Recently when he went to a Halloween party, he didn't even need a mask, and he was slightly surprised when he won first prize for scariest creature. Needless to say, the organisers were shocked to see a real-life representation of evil itself without any make-up.
CHAPTER 02: WHY, DUNG IS GOOD FOR YOU !
And the best thing I like about him is that he always shoves dung into my face. So there I am, saying "Yes boss, that's absolutely a great idea boss!" and agreeing and smiling at him while I think of a million ways to end his miserable life. I'm not the only one getting my face in the dung; my other counterparts have the priviledge of sharing it too.
Come to think of it, that's not half as bad; some of them (those with higher positions... a bit) have dung pushed down their throat, while my boss watches with glee. I have to admit it, my boss loves to play around with dung; tossing it around like the ol' pigskin (and if you don't get that, NVM, it means you'll have to watch more American football and see what object those big guys toss among themselves). But of course, somehow or the other his hands never gets dirty; he gets other people to do his dirty work.
CHAPTER 03: THE GREAT PEANUT CONSPIRACY
He makes us work like elephants in a circus and pays us peanuts for it (Hey, we're elephants! Whaddaya expect from a circus-trainer boss like him?) and worse of all, no overtime peanuts. I'm not exactly so crazy 'bout those extra peanuts I should be getting but isn't it a bit too much to give us rotten, past-expiry date peanuts?
Gee whiz. I feel like a monkey already. Who wouldn't be if your dear ol' boss pays you so little for so much work you've done for him? Jumbo the circus elephant (& pals) might be thrilled with so much work and getting peanuts for it but James Ho the IT Executive (& gang) is not the least thrilled doing so much of your dirty work and getting peanuts for it. We demand wages equal to the amount of dirty work done for you. Credit cards and hard cold cash accepted.
CHAPTER 04: SHOW ME THE MONEY
Speaking of peanuts, trying to get his clenched fist to open up and let loose a fistful of dollars requires Herculean strength. My boss's sole purpose in life, apart from being a total prick in everyone's pants and make life miserable for those under him, is $$$. His whole day is spent wondering how to milk more money from the already-hapless subscribers of his evil information database system.
Makes me sick sometimes thinking of his (so-called) clever and legal scheme of doing business. Okay, so at least it's a profession dealing in information. But you shouldn't treat your workers like dirt. Do unto others what you want others to do unto you. If you treat me nicely from now on, I'll be a nice little worker too; I'll only kick your ass and make sure you land face-first into the muck when you aren't looking. That kick was for all those unnecessary abuses you heaped on me these 5 months.
CHAPTER 05: PLAY THE STEALTH GAME WITH YOUR BOSS
Something that every employee with a mean old boss should learn and be capable of; stealth moves and the skill of avoiding your boss and go undetected in your everyday office work. It's better to be safe than sorry; bumping into him early in the morning and saying hi won't get you enough credits to go in his Book of Life. Rather, you're only inviting a "mano a mano" interrogation session with your kindly SOB boss. He'll make sure you'll answer those questions while sweating like mad. It's one of his many dastardly hobbies found in the "Guide Book for Sadist Bosses: How To Make Your Employees Sweat Like Crazy and Pee In Their Pants."
My boss is probably one in a million who thinks that scolding the heck out of someone equals motivation. I've seen him scold and humiliate a poor sap many years older than him, and my boss seems to delight in seeing how this poor sap would take in the verbal abuse. And the best thing is, my boss can actually do this stoically, expressionless.
CHAPTER 06: HE MAKES HITLER PEE IN HIS PANTS
Ah yes. The good old faithful patrolling of the office vincinity and making employees pee in their pants when they hear him coming. And when he does come around the corner, people rush away in different directions, scared as hell. Not even hurricanes or earthquakes have had this kind of significant terror struck into mortals' hearts. My boss can, and in good time too.
A typical working day's timetable for him can look like this :-
0800 - 0900 : Hunt around for a naive and easily threatened victim to interrogate today. (Note to self: Stop only when subject has thoroughly wet his / her pants in fright).
0900 - 1000 : Piss-off the whole Marketing section for being so slow in terms of sales volume. Force them to sell above 10,000 units this month or else that extra RM2 incentive is cancelled.
1000 - 1200 : Patrol the whole office and pick out the useless weeds among the employees. Among excuses for scolding that can be used today is: lazy, useless, bad hair-style, ugly looking, short etc. (Mental note: I'm gonna relish this!)
1200 - 1300 : Lunch time. I get to pick at random a hapless employee to eat lunch together with me. (Note: To scold him / her when she is eating. Stop only when subject has a nervous breakdown).
1300 - 1400 : Piss off IT Dept. Comment them on a job not well-done and crush their spirits by telling them they could do much more better. Include words such as stupid, useless, idiot and bloody fools when picking faults with them.
1400 - 1600 : Nothing much to do, except sit in my director's armchair and scare off the occasional pigeons that come and rest on the window grills. If can, piss off Customer Service Section also by complaining that they are not efficient in their work to help customers. (Note: Try to threaten to cut their pay if their customer-entertaining talk does not improve. Even if they do, cut their pay anyway).
1600 - 1700 : End of office hour is coming. Feel gloomy. Must find non-existent work for Operational Dept. if I want to force them to work overtime, else there won't be any valid reason to force them to stay til 2030 hrs. And without anyone working their asses off until 8.30 at night, there won't be any forms of entertainment for me tonight.
1700 - 1800 : Must get at least a chance to catch the Marketing folks and interrogate them with silly questions until about 1845. Try and piss them off and make the rest of their evening dull and stressful for them by constantly reminding them about the 10,000 expected sales and waving their payslips in front of their eyes. (Note: Remember to look at the expression on their faces when I do that).
CHAPTER 07: YOU MEAN MY BOSS IS ALSO HUMAN?
Why, of course he is. Bosses are also made of flesh and blood. Bosses also fall for the "Sure thing boss. Yes boss, that's a great idea!" trick when they ask you for your opinion(s) and they think you agree with them when all you're thinking about is a million ways to end his miserable life, and most of the time, dancing that "save-my-ass" tango really works. Bosses are also humans, except that they're bad humans. Given me, I'd happily hook him up into the Matrix and give him a kick in the rear after that. SOB boss. *Heh heh*
But it seriously makes me wonder why my boss is like that. Maybe he was denied a GI Joe action figure when he was small, and now he's grown up to be this twisted, demented figure who works hard each day to make other employees' working hours a living hell.
Epilogue:
The above story is obviously not true. My boss is in fact, a million times worse than what is described here. No words can describe the horror of working under him. The indirect descendant of the Devil Incarnate, he's the true source of all evil. Any individual not strong enough to stomach his abuse had been known to find a brick wall and commit suicide by ramming the head against it before the week was up.
Selected text and phrases are courtesy of "Every Mistake In The Book: A Business Know-How-NOT-To" by F.J Lennon. Special Thanks to Mr. Lennon.
CHAPTER 01: I HATE MY BOSS.
Writing a Blog about my boss eh? Hmmm. I just can't find the perfect words to describe him, not because he's such a great man that when he dies people are gonna make an iron cast of him in full splendour, but rather when he dies, I'd bet they would just leave his body to the maggots.
Nah. He's not that bad; in fact, he can be worse. He's the Son of Satan, the Devil Incarnate. The ultimate of all SOB bosses. Recently when he went to a Halloween party, he didn't even need a mask, and he was slightly surprised when he won first prize for scariest creature. Needless to say, the organisers were shocked to see a real-life representation of evil itself without any make-up.
CHAPTER 02: WHY, DUNG IS GOOD FOR YOU !
And the best thing I like about him is that he always shoves dung into my face. So there I am, saying "Yes boss, that's absolutely a great idea boss!" and agreeing and smiling at him while I think of a million ways to end his miserable life. I'm not the only one getting my face in the dung; my other counterparts have the priviledge of sharing it too.
Come to think of it, that's not half as bad; some of them (those with higher positions... a bit) have dung pushed down their throat, while my boss watches with glee. I have to admit it, my boss loves to play around with dung; tossing it around like the ol' pigskin (and if you don't get that, NVM, it means you'll have to watch more American football and see what object those big guys toss among themselves). But of course, somehow or the other his hands never gets dirty; he gets other people to do his dirty work.
CHAPTER 03: THE GREAT PEANUT CONSPIRACY
He makes us work like elephants in a circus and pays us peanuts for it (Hey, we're elephants! Whaddaya expect from a circus-trainer boss like him?) and worse of all, no overtime peanuts. I'm not exactly so crazy 'bout those extra peanuts I should be getting but isn't it a bit too much to give us rotten, past-expiry date peanuts?
Gee whiz. I feel like a monkey already. Who wouldn't be if your dear ol' boss pays you so little for so much work you've done for him? Jumbo the circus elephant (& pals) might be thrilled with so much work and getting peanuts for it but James Ho the IT Executive (& gang) is not the least thrilled doing so much of your dirty work and getting peanuts for it. We demand wages equal to the amount of dirty work done for you. Credit cards and hard cold cash accepted.
CHAPTER 04: SHOW ME THE MONEY
Speaking of peanuts, trying to get his clenched fist to open up and let loose a fistful of dollars requires Herculean strength. My boss's sole purpose in life, apart from being a total prick in everyone's pants and make life miserable for those under him, is $$$. His whole day is spent wondering how to milk more money from the already-hapless subscribers of his evil information database system.
Makes me sick sometimes thinking of his (so-called) clever and legal scheme of doing business. Okay, so at least it's a profession dealing in information. But you shouldn't treat your workers like dirt. Do unto others what you want others to do unto you. If you treat me nicely from now on, I'll be a nice little worker too; I'll only kick your ass and make sure you land face-first into the muck when you aren't looking. That kick was for all those unnecessary abuses you heaped on me these 5 months.
CHAPTER 05: PLAY THE STEALTH GAME WITH YOUR BOSS
Something that every employee with a mean old boss should learn and be capable of; stealth moves and the skill of avoiding your boss and go undetected in your everyday office work. It's better to be safe than sorry; bumping into him early in the morning and saying hi won't get you enough credits to go in his Book of Life. Rather, you're only inviting a "mano a mano" interrogation session with your kindly SOB boss. He'll make sure you'll answer those questions while sweating like mad. It's one of his many dastardly hobbies found in the "Guide Book for Sadist Bosses: How To Make Your Employees Sweat Like Crazy and Pee In Their Pants."
My boss is probably one in a million who thinks that scolding the heck out of someone equals motivation. I've seen him scold and humiliate a poor sap many years older than him, and my boss seems to delight in seeing how this poor sap would take in the verbal abuse. And the best thing is, my boss can actually do this stoically, expressionless.
CHAPTER 06: HE MAKES HITLER PEE IN HIS PANTS
Ah yes. The good old faithful patrolling of the office vincinity and making employees pee in their pants when they hear him coming. And when he does come around the corner, people rush away in different directions, scared as hell. Not even hurricanes or earthquakes have had this kind of significant terror struck into mortals' hearts. My boss can, and in good time too.
A typical working day's timetable for him can look like this :-
0800 - 0900 : Hunt around for a naive and easily threatened victim to interrogate today. (Note to self: Stop only when subject has thoroughly wet his / her pants in fright).
0900 - 1000 : Piss-off the whole Marketing section for being so slow in terms of sales volume. Force them to sell above 10,000 units this month or else that extra RM2 incentive is cancelled.
1000 - 1200 : Patrol the whole office and pick out the useless weeds among the employees. Among excuses for scolding that can be used today is: lazy, useless, bad hair-style, ugly looking, short etc. (Mental note: I'm gonna relish this!)
1200 - 1300 : Lunch time. I get to pick at random a hapless employee to eat lunch together with me. (Note: To scold him / her when she is eating. Stop only when subject has a nervous breakdown).
1300 - 1400 : Piss off IT Dept. Comment them on a job not well-done and crush their spirits by telling them they could do much more better. Include words such as stupid, useless, idiot and bloody fools when picking faults with them.
1400 - 1600 : Nothing much to do, except sit in my director's armchair and scare off the occasional pigeons that come and rest on the window grills. If can, piss off Customer Service Section also by complaining that they are not efficient in their work to help customers. (Note: Try to threaten to cut their pay if their customer-entertaining talk does not improve. Even if they do, cut their pay anyway).
1600 - 1700 : End of office hour is coming. Feel gloomy. Must find non-existent work for Operational Dept. if I want to force them to work overtime, else there won't be any valid reason to force them to stay til 2030 hrs. And without anyone working their asses off until 8.30 at night, there won't be any forms of entertainment for me tonight.
1700 - 1800 : Must get at least a chance to catch the Marketing folks and interrogate them with silly questions until about 1845. Try and piss them off and make the rest of their evening dull and stressful for them by constantly reminding them about the 10,000 expected sales and waving their payslips in front of their eyes. (Note: Remember to look at the expression on their faces when I do that).
CHAPTER 07: YOU MEAN MY BOSS IS ALSO HUMAN?
Why, of course he is. Bosses are also made of flesh and blood. Bosses also fall for the "Sure thing boss. Yes boss, that's a great idea!" trick when they ask you for your opinion(s) and they think you agree with them when all you're thinking about is a million ways to end his miserable life, and most of the time, dancing that "save-my-ass" tango really works. Bosses are also humans, except that they're bad humans. Given me, I'd happily hook him up into the Matrix and give him a kick in the rear after that. SOB boss. *Heh heh*
But it seriously makes me wonder why my boss is like that. Maybe he was denied a GI Joe action figure when he was small, and now he's grown up to be this twisted, demented figure who works hard each day to make other employees' working hours a living hell.
Epilogue:
The above story is obviously not true. My boss is in fact, a million times worse than what is described here. No words can describe the horror of working under him. The indirect descendant of the Devil Incarnate, he's the true source of all evil. Any individual not strong enough to stomach his abuse had been known to find a brick wall and commit suicide by ramming the head against it before the week was up.
Selected text and phrases are courtesy of "Every Mistake In The Book: A Business Know-How-NOT-To" by F.J Lennon. Special Thanks to Mr. Lennon.
JDream ranted at
22:30
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