You Still Believe In 3 Cents Per Email Forwarded?

"Dear suckers. I am just some anonymous fellow suffering from yet another generic mysterious disease and I am now writing this from the hospital bed. The doctors have said that I might grow a third breast on my forehead if I can't raise enough cash for treatment soon. Anyway, all you have to do is simple; just pass this message on to the others. AOL and Uncle Gates have suddenly become somewhat generous and have agreed to pay me 3 cents for every person who receives this email. Also, Microsoft Corp. is going to reward anyone who performs the fore mentioned act of duty. It's real, no shit. My best friend's friend's friend's uncle at first dismissed this off, but later he sent a few copies out "just in case". Two weeks later a representative from Microsoft called and presented him with a cheque totalling $24,800.25. He has since quit his job and is now fishing for sperm whales off the coast of Antartica."

If you do believe the above, and still circulate these kind of emails when you receive them, I have some rather nice stuffs to sell to you at a very "affordable" price of USD25,000 apiece. No really. I'm not gonna take advantage of your naiveness. Well if you believe that too, you've proven yourself numero uno in gullibility. It's been highlighted multiple times over and over that these things are not REAL.

Oh but some are highly ignorant (I forgive the first-timers and those who have just learnt what these things are and make a point not to repeat them) and I still cannot understand why until today they forward them. Don't they know that there is absolutely no way and no such technology to track emails? Or how about failing to understand the logic why in the first place would Bill Gates and AOL give away so much money for free?

Really, it's quite appalling (and disturbing) to see that this has even spread to other sites like Friendster. I'm sure all of you remember the "so-called" message of Friendster shutting down and to counter it a user has to send it to 10/20 (the number varies) other Friendster individuals in order to ensure the server will recognize your account as active. What a bunch of baloney. An official message from the moderators of the site even appeared on every individual's Friendster start-up main menu reassuring them that the message was a hoax and that the site will never in any way shut down or delete any accounts, provided they do not breach the rules and regulations set (that means like you setting up a porno account, you dickhead). What is wrong with people nowadays? Has evolution touched upon some people and produced freaks of nature lacking a few "smart" chromosomes or perhaps it's the age-old adage of "being born without a brain"?

People, please. Do yourselves a favor - there is this site called snopes that you can actually go and verify the truth of something - and also do me a favor; stop sending me all these inane things.

7 Surplus Things I Need Urgently From Uncle Sam

Dear Santa,

I somehow think that the snail mail I sent to you via my local courier did not reach you, which explains why my Christmas stocking was devoid of a few physical items. This is what you get when you hand over your trust to a company that claims to be operating in a first-world country but with third-class mentality. However I am most thankful for the blessings that the people of this world received, which includes items like world peace (albeit temporary), food for the hungry, and the fostering of better ties amongst nations.

It's a tough world we live in - virus epidemics worldwide, darn daily traffic jams, idiotic employers, powercuts and that occasional stupid cat who loves coming into your house driveway compound and leave poo all over - and to protect my own interests, this is the wishlist I would like to forward to your attention in advance for this coming year's Christmas.

Rest assured I have been abstaining from being naughty all year round; I did not buy any pirated stuffs (only downloaded them), I managed to avoid stepping on that ant that day, and also helped a couple of old grannies to cross the street.

Item 01: Remploy Mk-IV NBC Hazard Suit

I just came back from ferrying my grandpa to the nearby clinic a few days ago and I caught hell myself - an infection of sore throat and a runny nose ten times more powerful than the Niagara. Got sick, skipped a day of work and felt pissed with the illness. I suspect it could be the deadly cocktail mix of different types of viruses and bacteria present in most clinics, floating and mingling with each other, passing on generations-old tips and tricks on how to survive even the toughest of them penicilin shots. Therefore, a NBC (Nuclear, Biological, Chemical) hazard suit complete with the M40 gas mask just like those worn during Operation Desert Storm would be nice if ever I need to fetch someone to the clinics or hospitals again. I understand that the nuclear feature would not come into use much but it would be a great addition if ever one of my neighbourhood's retarded kids somehow suddenly decided to mix plutonium and uranium together resulting in a mass nuclear meltdown.

Item 02: AN/PVS-7D Generation-III NVGs

With more and more frequent powerouts in my neighbourhood and local electric provider Tenaga Nasional being unable to give us a satisfactory explanation more and more each day, I would like to receive a pair of the night-vision goggles on the left. Groping around in the darkness just to find the Maglite© torch or the halogen headlight consumes much time and caution, not to mention sometimes the pain of bumping your toe against the coffee table leg. Candles are not much better off as well, since they also require almost the same time to hunt around for one including the lighter/matches. They use up oxygen, give out unnecessary heat, burn down eventually and plus like the conventional torchlight their range of focus is rather limited. Night-vision optics are way much more convenient, cooler than your usual candle/torchlight and gives me the upper advantage over my neighbour's retarded offsprings knowing that I can see them perfectly well in the total darkness while they can't even get a glimpse of me at all. If Gen-III isn't possible then a normal Gen-I goggle would suffice as I heard they're legal here.

Item 03: Raytheon AIM-9X Sidewinder air-to-air missiles

Let's face it - the majority of Malaysian drivers are assholes, and traffic jam here is a culture. People who are soft and gentle in real-life develop signs of "Sudden Asshole Syndrome" whenever they get behind the wheel. Driving everyday on the roads make me encounter all sorts of bullshit behaviour - Ah Bengs who cut into your lane rudely, inane tai-tais who drive big MPVs but lack the same size of brains to go along with it, road-hoggers, road bullies, insane "P" drivers, crackpot Mat Motors... you get the drift. To combat this menace, it'd be great to see my Kancil fitted with a couple of these heat-seeking missiles with replenishing stock kept in the rear boot. Like they say, just fire and forget, sit back and watch the fireworks as another useless piece of genetic waste is blown off the face of the Earth. Since we're here, could you also throw in an extra pair of launchers for my future Myvi as well?

Item 04: M18A1 Claymore anti-personnel mines

I really need to do something about those returning felines which treat housing compounds as their own personal litter box. Waking up and finding your driveway reeking of cat piss is enough to er, piss anyone off. Damn cats! For this I'll require a lifetime's worth of supplies of Claymore anti-personnel mines from you, to be planted at various points of my house area with the "front facing the enemy". I hope to be able to discourage any would-be cat-pooper from dumping their waste onto my lawn. I don't really mind scraping off blown-up cat innards off the pavement (Hey, free ball-bearings!). At least they don't smell as terrible as cat piss and feline poo. I'll turn a blind eye if it's my neighbours' yards. Not my problem anyway. These mines could also double-up as determent to any robbers or unwanted spastic neighbourhood kids turning up at my doorstep and they make nice lawn ornaments as well. Play more Claymore.

Item 05: Accuracy International Arctic Warfare Magnum sniper rifle

While cats are a nuisance in the driveway area, crows and other types of birds pose a problem in the balcony - they like to mess up the clothes hung out to dry by leaving their droppings all over them. Then we have to clean those soiled clothes once more and hang them to dry and waste precious time and resources. The following day another bunch of crows might do the same thing again (they do this to everyone in the neighbourhood). Needless to say, someone has to step up and teach them crows some toilet-training lessons via a high-caliber sniper rifle. Also good for those rapist bastards since aiming at their balls with a scope is much easier (and fun). Who needs PC FPS games when you have the real-deal, state-of-the-art rifle in your hand, scope aimed at the culprit crow? The Springfield 1903 .03 caliber would also be a replacement rifle of choice in case you've already run out of AWMs back at the North Pole.

Item 06: UH-60 Black Hawk helicopter

Okay so maybe I won't direct any Sidewinder missiles towards anyone, but still the idea of seeing someone fry in his or her car should they piss me off is kinda cool, if not exciting. In that case getting me a Black Hawk helo complete with a side-mounted Gatling minigun will do for my morning transition to the workplace (and any offices in the near future). Also, do equip the helo with an anti-RPG mechanism; I watched Black Hawk Down and I really do not wish to end up like how they did, and I'd appreciate it if the unit comes with a complimentary CD player so I can listen to Rachid Taha's "Barra Barra" during the daily flight and laugh my ass off at those still stuck in the jam. Oh yeah.

Item 07: M1A1 US Abrams tank

I am a simple man - I only go to shopping complexes when I need to buy something that I need, or perhaps to occasionally relax my mind. Of course, I dislike crowds and this can be quite bad when I find that they happen to be jamming the shop I want to go in to. With the Abrams tank, I can finally solve all my woes; just drive over the massive crowd, intimidate them, pay for what I want and ride off. The method's passed the quality check at garment stores and most of the local hypermarkets. Now it only requires to be fully operational in all sorts of shopping mall terrain to be able to withstand the waves of inane tai-tais, Ah Lians and Ah Bengs.

So, there you have it - just seven simple items to make life simpler for most of us. But of course the above won't likely materialise so I'll probably just ask for more efficiency in our public transportation system, safer neighbourhoods and streets, better salaries for all employees, cleaner drinking waters, a healthy environment and a decent cost of living. With that, everyone's happy and no one gets hurt.