The "Support Original Pornographic CDs" Campaign

KOALA LUMPY: In view of the recent raids and police crackdowns on pirated CDs, DVDs, and pornographic discs, the National Censorship Board, after much discussion and brainstorming with the relevant authorities, has passed a new rule :-

Pornographic VCDs and DVDs are now made legal. This was the announcement made last Monday night during the 4am TV15 Nationwide news broadcast. According to the spokesperson in charge of "cutting out irrelevant material out of all movies", this move was proposed and legalised since the menace of pirated pornographic VCDs and DVDs continue to flourish, usually controlled by taiko barons and kingpins.

Therefore, in order to combat this grave situation, the government has decided that from this day onwards, all pornographic discs are to carry the Perakuan B certificate and also the infamously-pirated Original holographic sticker. With this in mind, the authorities concerned targets the pirated pornographic VCD and DVD scourge to be fully eliminated by the year 2080.

"Of course, the public has to play their part in not purchasing these pirated versions as well", the official spokesperson added. "This campaign to eradicate pirated pornographic discs will not succeed if everyone does not fully support it".

Also present at the launching of the "Support Original Porno Discs" campaign was the police Chief Inspector who wished to remain anonymous. He then proceeded to explain in detail the different kinds of "stars" for the original pornographic VCDs and DVDs that were currently in the market. Each "star" rated would subsequently affect the final cost of the CD's pricing and also the amount of content consumers get for their money's worth.

"1-Star means that the video will play until the part where they start kissing and grope each other. Once the undressing begins, at the point where the actress is about to reveal her goodies, the movie will be edited and the next scene that follows will be the part where the two (or more of them) have put their clothes back on and are now having a normal discussion while sitting on the sofa. Fixed pricing for each VCD is about RM9.90 while the DVD version goes for RM14.90"

"A 3-Star CD would not have the exciting and fun parts edited as compared to the earlier one. The difference here is that once the sensitive parts of the human body are exposed, they are immediately clothed digitally using the latest technology with the likes of Adobe PhotoShop and also Adobe After-Effects, a tool usually used to edit and manipulate videos. The audio would also be replaced with songs from the Disney collection, thus making this a wholesome show to be enjoyed by family members together. The VCD starts from as low as RM14.90 while the price of the DVD goes for RM19.90."

"Meanwhile, for the 5-Star product, the viewer is ensured maximum satisfaction as the censorship is not so harsh. The private parts of the actors and actresses would have Smiley faces painted digitally on them or in some cases, have advertisements blocking the offending parts of the anatomy. CDs in this category show the most skin of all. We see this as a great way of making money via advertising as well. For the audio, we've decided to incorporate the Dolby Sound System 5.1 with massive explosions, car crashes etc. Prices start at RM19.90 for a VCD and RM29.90 for a DVD."

In addition to that, we at the Moon Newspaper also interviewed a few people to gauge their reactions. Some ranged from excessively happy while others, (especially housewives) were infuriated at this "legal" movement. A few showed stoned expressions. We assumed they were aliens from outer space. Here's what the few interviewed had to say to this :-

Ah Kow, 22, Student - Aisey man. Last time we all used to buy straight direct from pasar malam one la. That one 10 Ringgit for the VCD, summore see all one, no censored! Wah lau, now they make it legal, cut all the nice parts, and summore charge us so much ah? Hui sei lah!

Ali, 26, Manager - Ehh, what is this? This kind of things shouldn't be allowed! No no. We don't need it, especially now in the age of Bittorrent, where you can get uncensored porn for free. Alamak, nak censor lagi nak caj mahal. Ni tak bermoral ni..."

Muthu, 37, Restaurant Owner - Dei, apalah ni? I don't want this 'original' things to be in my household. Waste of money only. Why buy original when you can borrow and burn a copy from your friends? It doesn't make good sense to buy at all.

It seems that most of the public were against the movement, claiming that they were paying money for censored products, while some were asking if there were any higher than 5-Stars being offered with the promise of complete exposure. It seems that they would not mind paying more to see the actors and actresses bare all, rather than paying less and be stuck with a worthless item.

The original pornographic CDs will be made available in all major music and video stores. As of press time, there are already more than 100 titles out in the market, with American, Japanese and other titles to choose from. However, to protect the anonymousness of the actors and actresses, we will not reveal any of the title names.

"We do think this niche will catch on later" the spokesperson was also quoted as saying while digging his nose.-SNN

The Ultraman Clichés : A Look Into Why His Zipper Is Visible & Other Mysteries

I have been watching Ultraman (as far as I can remember) since I was some small fry. Over the years of watching this overgrown superhero from space who battles mean rubbery monsters, a few illogics struck me. Therefore, I have compiled a list of the things I find strange about all Ultraman TV shows, hoping one day I will discover the truth behind these mysteries...

For an in-depth look at how my cousin Silent Assassin gives the answers to my conspiracy questions listed below, click here

Conspiracy #1 : You Can See His Bodysuit Zipper

The thing that breaks many the heart of a die-hard Ultraman fan upon learning the awful truth. The fact that the suspicious line running all the way down his back is clearly visible to all is the ultimate mother-of-all insults which turns off a lot of Ultraman fans. Add the hard-to-miss gloves and boots and well, there you have it; a perfect man-in-rubber-tights-and-plastic-helmet scenario, probably sweating his @$$ out filming every episode.

Conspiracy #2 : Tokyo Always Gets Targeted

It's a well-known and often-asked question; Why the heck is it always Tokyo that gets stomped to the ground, and why isn't it any other city in another foreign country? These questions have baffled many Ultraman fan for generations, as week after week another different species of monster emerges from its dark domain and starts stomping everything in sight. If it isn't Tokyo for the week then it's some other Nippon city like Kyoto, Yokohama or Osaka. Why not New York, Paris, or Berlin for a change? Is it because the monsters are racist and thus they hate destroying foreign cities?

Conspiracy #3 : Tokyo Is Rebuilt In A Week

Yet another conspiracy that continues to evade logic; The Japs must be some super-fast race with super-friggin' fast hands, 'cos here I see Tokyo being stomped to dust now, with every high-rise building and every skyscraper leveled, yet on the next Saturday at precisely 10.30 am I see the same Tokyo city in perfectly fine condition again, with nary a building out of place and not even a crack on a wall.

Conspiracy #4 : Why Rebuild When You Know It'll Be Back On Saturday?

It amazes me that the Japanese are even going to take the initiative to rebuild the whole city (not just a building) from scratch, when come Saturday morning all will be gone again in less than a standard minute. Given me, I'd just leave the city as it is after a massive monster stomp-fest for the next monster to stomp its heart out in another 6 days to come. You want to flatten our city? Go ahead, make it your own personal playground.

Conspiracy #5 : Hello, Anybody Home?

Usually in the first few minutes the monster has its field day tearing apart the apartments, the skyscrapers, people's bungalows and such. But notice carefully and you'll see that NOBODY is always in at the moment. Seriously speaking, the houses are always devoid of any human existence. The only rationale explanation that I can give is that the population has fled once again upon seeing the monster who is always punctual for its work at 10.30 am.

Conspiracy #6 : Talk About Low Cost Houses

While the monster smashes a house, notice that the walls do not break apart like as though it were made out of bricks and mortar; rather they splinter and occasionally blow up with traces of syrofoam and plywood. So what the hell is going on? Is it my eyes deceiving me or are those houses carved suspiciously out of cardboard and syrofoam and Ultraman plus the monster are actually two grown men in stinking rubber suits fighting on a stage set?

Conspiracy #7 : The Japanese Government Has Too Much Cash To Burn

Believe me when I tell you the Japanese government has too much cash to burn. When you see how the millions are poured into Tokyo city or [Insert Any Other Japanese City here], you'll be shaking your head in disbelief. To rebuild a monster-prone city is akin to throwing the money into a monsoon drain. The officials would have more entertainment by starting a bonfire and shoveling the money in.

Conspiracy #8 : The Monster Attack Team (MAT) Is Composed Of Morons

Ah yes, Japan's only last line of defence, and the nation's last hope... and it is comprised of morons who can't even tell their left hand from their right. These are the same bunch of morons who will be responsible to stop the monster's advances further inland. No wonder the monsters chose to attack Japan week after week. If I were a monster, Tokyo would be on top of my list too! Think of it; free human sushi, free Toyotas to flatten and those excellent Japanese girls to abduct en masse, and there's nothing the MAT can do with their puny weapons should Ultraman decide to do a no-show for the week, speaking of which...

Conspiracy #9 : The Weapons Used By The MAT Are Designed By Morons

No offence to the engineers who worked hard to design impressive-looking weapons for the MAT team, but personally, I think that those big guns, the dashing pistols and the futuristic planes that the team members have at their disposal are wasted. Big time. They may look big, shiny and impressive, but getting them to break a monster's fingernail is another problem. The same applies to their overly-modified cars; those junks with an occasional big laser turret affixed on top of them is practically useless. What happens every time is that one of the MAT members zap the monster with the turret (or gun, plane, whatever) and the resulting smoke and explosions that follow merely irritates the monster. No real harm done to the monster. In fact you could throw a brick at it and stand a better chance of killing it compared to the heavy weaponry featured. Is this what the government is spending the taxpayers' money on?

Conspiracy #10 : The Monsters Are Equally Dumb Morons

It has never occurred to the monsters en masse that if they appeared all 10 at once to battle Ultraman, they can be assured that Ultraman's @$$ would be kicked more times than a football would in its life span. Probably their brains aren't very developed (hence the mad flailing of hands and growls instead of proper monster language) or perhaps it's the fact that they have pig fat for muscles and a carrot stick for a brain. (Glances at monster fighting Ultraman). Nah, make that two carrot sticks.

Conspiracy #11 : Nobody Suspects Who Ultraman Really Is

Yet another piece of evidence suggesting the people that make up the MAT team aren't very bright individuals; whenever a monster appears from thin air and starts trashing Tokyo all over, they are all summoned to the battlefront. Then, when the team is busy firing their useless thaser guns at the monster, our hero quietly slips away to do the macarena dance in order to change into Ultraman. And while our hero engages the alien monster, the team looks on with awe but yet they never seem to notice that the main hero (now as Ultraman) is the only one missing, and when all is over and he appears before them, they ask him where he's gone to and he answers he had to answer the call of nature, upon which everybody believes and takes it without much questions asked. Once or twice might be forgivable, but EVERY episode?

Conspiracy #12 : The Voice-Over Dubbings Are Horrendous

If there were anything far stinkier than the lousy script, the lame acting and the clichéd fighting moves, it has got to be the voice-dubbings. Bloody hell irritating. This is noise pollution at its worst. The lines are corny, the pitch is squeaky-high like a rodent having sex, and the voice usually belongs to some bratty-looking boy who is light years away from hitting puberty, and oh, the voice sounds suspiciously girly-like. Before leaving, Ultraman should do us a favor and zap that boy (who usually only appears at the last few scenes) along with his over-the-top sexy mum with his Specium Ray. Only then will the safety of our ears be guaranteed. Erm... actually you can spare the sexy mum. We only want to see the little boy decimated.

Conspiracy #13 : The Population Doesn't Get Pissed-Off With The Destruction

Likewise, as Ultraman struggles to send the "Monster of the Week" to kingdom come, I'm sure in the process he (Ultraman) will knock over a few buildings, flatten a few houses and wreck some expensive sports cars. The pair do the tango for a few more jigs before Ultraman unleashes his "Super-T-light-that-decimates-everything-in-sight" combo. All's well after that and the big guy goes back to space. Fine with me, except that now Tokyo city is nothing more than a solid mass of smouldering bricks and twisted metal parts. Yet the people still smile and wave to Ultraman. No one is traumatised by the incident (I presume the people there are used to weekly monster incidents) nor are there anyone pissed with Ultraman for having something to do with destroying their houses and Mitsubishis as well. Nope, life is good. :p

Conspiracy #14 : Ultraman Only Fights At The Last Minute

Ultraman appears from the dust. First few minutes he gets trashed like mad. Both Ultraman and big scary rubber monster do the tango. Crush buildings. Flatten houses. No one complains. More tango. More houses and buildings vanish to dust. Beeper on Ultraman's chest starts to blink and emit weird sound. That's the signal to fight back. Left hook. Right hook. Monster spurts blood. Ultraman emits Specium Ray. Monster blows up into a million pieces. Ultraman flies away. End of story.

Conspiracy #15 : The Whole Thing Is A Big, Fake Set-Up Conspiracy

It doesn't take a genius to see that the whole damn thing is a big, fake set-up meant to trick pre-pubescent kids into believing that there is ACTUALLY a 130-foot superhero with salted duck eggs for eyes duking it out with a rubberized monster just a few countries away from his own. I mean come on, if Ultraman were to fight with some alien monster hell-bent on taking over Tokyo (for whatever reasons it has, I dunno) on a regular basis, shouldn't there we at least feel some earthquakes hitting our country generated by the dancing pair every Saturday morning?

Epilogue

So there you have it, the red-and-silver superhero who comes from space, battling different variety of monsters Saturdays after Saturdays, the staple diet of healthy television for those born in the 80s. Of course, much of Ultraman has remained unchanged, but personally I think it would be better if the producers start replacing those fake laser blow-ups and clean monster exploding deaths with severed limbs, bloody guts, vomit, and yes, lots of foul-language cursing between our Ultra hero and the monster. After all, with today's redundant violence from those wrestling and reality TV shows, Ultraman has to adapt in order to win back a larger fanbase too. :P Don't blame me, blame television :P

Episode III & The 1/2 : Revenge Of The Sikh

Ubi Wan Keloobi Singh clutched his lightsaber tightly; there was an unseen disturbance in the Force, and it was very near to where he was standing. Yet all around him, nothing alive was to be seen, and the only things "alive" were the orange lava, moving lazily along their pre-charted course. Stillness, it was almost like a tranquil dream...

Suddenly, out from nowhere, echoing off the hard slabs of slates that made up the cavern, a voice shouted out, "Ubi Wan, pyaar ho hooci hoot dhaat !!! Paji poo !!!" (don't ask me what that was).

It was Anandkin Singhwalker, hair long and disheveled. The Dork side of the Force had changed him completely from a Joodi to a Sikh. With a lightsaber that glowed an eerie blood red, he jumped down from a stone platform ten stories high above the ground, cape flailing in the wind like a Raggedy Ann doll.

"DUSSSSSHH !!!"

That was the sound of his feet landing onto the hard, cold slate floor of the cavern, miraculously surviving the jump without any signs of pain or fatigue. A typical BollyWood favourite.

"Dei Anandkin macha!!! Choobi hoot pyaar yala!!!" so said Ubi Wan (something about Anandkin my "friend" or "brother." The rest I dunno. Don't ask). To which Anandkin replied, "Hahahahaha... Macha?!! Kanni kootti bhai!!! Poodeh!!!" (I seriously dunno what this is also, save for the last word, which means "Get lost" :P).

"Dei!!! Pyaar choot bhota hai!!! Pooja kudi kucha poot!!!" was the reply (I think it means let’s talk back in normal talk that people can understand since there are no subtitles and besides, I’m running out of ideas of Punjabi-sounding words to write :P)

"OK tambi, you got it!!!" so said Anandkin Singhwalker. And the situation got even tenser now as the name-callings began :-

"Dei Anandkin lu pandi!!!" (pig)
"Dei Keloobi nik peiee!!!" (ghost)
"Naiee!!!" (dog)
"Sutte" (ass/butt)
"Kunji" (Erm... Male "thingy" :P)
"Pundek" (I think it’s the "female thing"... I think. Nevermind)
"[ Deleted Profanity ]"
"[ Deleted Profanity ]"
"[ Deleted Profanity ]"

Thus and so this shouting match went on for about ten minutes… until finally Ubi Keloobi said, "Dei, kita sudak habis itu kata-kata busuk mau panggil sama kita. Mau start itu lawan ka macha?". Anandkin agreed, "Wokeh, tambi, start!"

Anandkin Singhwalker was the first to activate his saber. "Pwisssh!!!" and a red beam of laser extending to about 1 meter in length appeared from the hilt of his torchlight. Ubi Keloobi did the same "Pwooosh!!!". His was equally as long, but it was blue instead of red. A stark contrast. A deadly duel. A clichéd BollyWood movie.

The two then lunged for each other’s hairy throats, sabers locked in target, with the deadly purpose of ending each other’s life, and BollyWood superstar career. This would be a fight many Sikhs and Punjabs would be talking about for generations to come while munching on kacang putih (white nuts).

"Skrittt!!! Snorrkk!!!! Pzeeee!!!! Zooop!!!" These sounds were heard when the two sabers met each other. Sparks flew occasionally, but due to the limited budget, only a few were allowed by the director as the pyrotechnics cost quite a bomb.

All of a sudden, due to misjudgment in Anandkin’s attack or Ubi Keloobi getting closer to becoming an old fart, the former Joodi Master’s red saber raked across Ubi Wan’s right arm, creating a cut two inches in length. Ubi Wan was furious; that was a brand new dhoti from Amma and Appa, and now they’ll be angry at him for ruining it before a week was up.

He shouted, "Dei Anandkin. Lu jangan main-main sama gua tau? Gua ni manyak marah nanti lu tau dei!!!"

Anandkin did not reply, but instead unleashed another barrage of saber attacks towards Ubi Keloobi Singh’s direction. Another cut was registered on the same arm, only a few inches higher than the first cut rendered. This time, he was real pissed, and pissed-off BollyWood men should not be messed with as they have big hairy chests, beer bellies and huge armpits.

"Dei Anandkin, last warning juga gua kasi lu… Lu jangan main-main sama gua tau??!!! Gua kasi pukul lu sama lu punya [censored]", Ubi Wan cried. "Gua tarak kisah. Lu mati itu lu munya pasal!!!" and swung his saber at Ubi’s throat, hoping to get a lucky strike.

It missed, and Ubi Wan managed to parry his blow with a "Super Bhai Punch". "DUUUSSSHHH!!!" The force of the punch sent Anandkin’s lightsaber flying away from the grip of his hand. He was now unarmed... and now possibly awaiting BollyWood-style death at the hands of his adversary.

"Dei macha. Nik choot pyaar kootti poo. Pooja hei kuch sadh waahe hoot!!!". That was Anandkin telling Ubi Wan to throw his saber down and fight the finishing battle like a man. Ubi Singh agreed. Now the both of them were fighting equal once more. Knuckle-to-knucle. Mano a mano. It began...

"DUSSSSHHH!!!" A blow landed onto Ubi Wan’s hairy chest.
"BISSSSHHH!!!" Anandkin's handsome face was given a right hook.
"BRRRUUKKK!!!" Ubi was generously offered a smack in the rib-cage.
"DORRRRKKK!!!" Ubi’s left leg smacked itself hard against Anandkin’s head.

The blow to the head was too much, and Anandkin fell down "PRRAAPPP!!!", concussed. "Macha… Gua skalang kasi lu satu lagi chance balik sama itu Joodi (Jedi for those who are still clueless). Lu mau ka tarak mau, hah?" Ubi’s message came loud and clear.

Almost immediately a bunch of Joodis dressed in the same outfits came running out of nowhere and started dancing behind Ubi Wan, while a group of Clonetroopers appeared out of nowhere and did the "Super Bhai Hoot Dance" behind Anandkin. Both Ubi and Anandkin started singing also simultaneously :-

"Dei pyaar. Mucha mucha pooji hei aaa..."
"Habba habba sandh dok heiiiiiii..."
"Hoota hoota kooji hai ee..."
"Habba habba pyaar dok heiii..."

And it went on, the singing, for 3 minutes or so. After the song ended, the Jedis and the Clonetroopers vanished as mysteriously as they had appeared. Ubi Wan then repeated the same question again as before (asking Anandkin to come back to the Joodis).

"IIIIILLLLEEEEEK!!!! POOODEHHH NIK PANDIIII!!!!" Anandkin resounded and threw a handful of sand into Ubi’s eyes, and blinded him partially. "PUUUNNNDEK!!!" cried Ubi Singh as he desperately rubbed his eyes to get rid of the offending sand (like the Clonetroopers and Joodis, the sand had mysteriously appeared out of nowhere too in this rocky, sandless area).

Taking advantage of his temporary blindness, Anandkin grabbed his former Joodi master by the waist, "BUUUUUKKK!!!" (the sound when he grabbed Ubi’s waist), and proceeded to pummel him with punches.

"DUUUSSSHHH!!! BIIISSSHHH!!!! DOOORRRKKK!!! BOOOSSSHHH!!! DOOSSSHHH!!!" The punches rained down repeatedly without mercy or even a reliever for a 5-minute commercial break.

Ubi was bleeding profusely from his head, and half sober (Why Anandkin didn’t retrieve his lightsaber to finish Ubi off is still a BollyWood mystery). With impending victory, Anandkin Singhwalker dragged his ex-master near to the edge of the boiling lava pit to throw him in, a favorite way to finish off the good guys made famous by generations of bad guys.

As Ubi’s body neared the pit of no return, suddenly his hand shot up and grabbed Anandkin’s throat. A simple move. A clichéd act. Yet useless. Weakened from the repeated blows to his head, lack of ghee in today's morning breakfast and too much blood loss, Ubi’s efforts were proving futile. With much ease, Anandkin released Ubi’s grip from his throat.

"Dei Anandkin macha. Kasi gua satu chance la..." No response. Pushes Ubi’s body even nearer to the edge of the pit. Ubi grew desperate, "Dei macha. Satu kali chance la dei!!!"

Still no response. By now, his life was literally hanging by a thread… from his dhoti that got entangled in some rock nearby, thus sparing him a few more moments of life.

"Dei macha… DEI!!! DEIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The thread broke...

* * * * * * * * * *

(To be continued in May 2005)